Category: sex

At a mad night out a man and woman decided that they were going
2to make love for the first time. As the man was so excited he
ran out to the nearest pub to buy a condom. When he got there he
went to the machine, there was a flavoured condom for $1, a
colored condom for $2 and a metal condom for $3.

As the man only had $2 on him he bought a colouerd condom and
took it back to his girlfriend. The couple made love but the
condom split and he woman became pregnant.

Well after nine months the woman gave birth but to 2 blue baby
boy. The couple were very happy about this although it was a bit
strange. Well, the little boy grew up and one day the little boy
went up to his dad and said “dad why am i blue, i get bullied
for being different” and his dad turned around and said ” you
better shut up. For $1 extra you could of been Robo Cop!”

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

After the end of the finnish war, a young female reporter from a british
newspaper was sent to finland to write an article about the soldiers
home-coming. she had interviewed half a dozen, when she met pokka on the street.

“excuse me,” she said “but were you in the war?”

“yah, i was in the infantry.”

“would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?”

“ned, i wouldn’t mind at all.”

“when you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?”

“i f***** my wife.” pokka said bluntly. the journalist went crimson, and
tried desperately to change the subject.

“after that. i mean, what you did after that?”

“i f***** her again.” he answered. if possible the journalist turned even
redder, and got even more desperate to change the subject.

“other than that! uh – what did you do when you was finished with all that?!”

“then i untapped my skis and my heavy backpack.”

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?

A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.

Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?

A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…

Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

A: They have shaky hands!

Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?

A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

A: An armadildo.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?

A: Come in eight flavors.

Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?

A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?

A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?

A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?

A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?

A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!

Q: What do you do in case of fallout?

A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?

A: In case you miss.

Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. It’s like a French kiss, but down under.

One day a little boy and his dad are walking down the street.
upon turnung a corner the little boy see two dogs having sex.
Confused the little boy askes his dad,”Daddy what are those two
dogs doing?” Scratching his head the father answers
carefully.”well, son they are making a puppy. Don’t worry about
it let’s keep walking.” Satisfied with this answer the little
boy walks on.

The next day the little boy walks into his mother and fathers
room where he unknowingly;) interups his parents having sex. The
little boy confused, asks his father,”Daddy what are you doing
to mommy?” Not knowing how to answer this he says,”well, we are
making a baby.” Scratching his head to mock his father the
little boy says,”well, can you turn her over and make a puppy
instead?”

This young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage
child’s group.
She worked hard at learning all the styles the teens wore and
all the foods they liked to eat.
She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an
abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by.
She even learned how to talk “young” learning all the buzz words
and hip sayings.
One day this all came to a screeching halt when, after serving
the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of
hormone dripping teenagers:
“If anyone wants secs just let me know, I’ll be in the
kitchen…getting it ready.”

There was a newlywed couple, but they didn’t get to have their
honeymoon. So one day, the wife asked her husband if they could
have a honeymoon that weekend. The husband said that he
couldn’t because he had a fox hunt to go to that weekend. This
made the wife sad, so the husband gave her three choices to
choose from. 1. go with him on the fox hunt, 2. give him a blow
job, or 3. he gets to do her in the ass. So she thought about
it, and on the morning of the fox hunt, the husband asked her if
she made a choice. She replied no, so the the husband told her
to have a choice when he came back from getting the dogs ready
for the hunt. She said ok. He came back and asked for her
choice. She choose #2. She got in the position, and started to
smell something funny. She asked what that smell was. The
husband replied, “oh, the dogs didn’t want to go, they choose
#3!”

if sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it ?

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?.”

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you’re with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex…

1. IF YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

there were these three guys. a gay guy, a rich guy, and a mexican guy. they all died and went to heaven. but they wanter to come back so they asked god. he said that they could go back but only if they gave up 1 thing. the rich guy gave up his money, the gay guy gave up being gay, and the mexican guy gave up his mexican food. well one day the mexican guy was walking past a toco bell went in… had a toco and **poof** he was gone. then not to long later the rich guy and the gay guy were walking down the street and the rich guy saw a penny on the floor and (bent) down to pick it up and……..**poof** **poof** they were both gone