Category: sex

So you got a dick enhancement then you take a look the surgeon made it smaller.

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she’s
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.

“Is it true you’re a prostitute?”

“Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I dunno. What do you charge?”

“I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there…”

“$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?”

“You see that Ferrari out there?” The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there’s a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. “I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it’s worth it.”

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he’s
ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he’s back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he
immediately approaches her.

“Last night was incredible!”

“Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs…”

“How much is that?”

“$500”

“$500!?! C’mon, that’s ridiculous!”

“You see that apartment building across the street?” The guy
looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. “I paid cash
for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,
it’s worth it.”

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly
faints – twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself
until she shows up.

“I’m hooked, you’re the best! Tell me, what’ll it cost me for
some pussy?”

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. “You
see that island?”

“Aw, c’mon! You can’t mean that!”

She nods her head. “You bet. If I had a pussy, I’d own
Manhattan!”

a man finding himself unemployed and down to his last $1.00 was searching the want ads for a job. He pointed out to his wife that there was a ad in the paper for blood donations for $25.00 dollars. They decided to spend their last dollar on bus fair to the blood bank. They needed the money if they were going to eat. So the man spends his last dollar on the bus to town. When he arrived at the blood bank the line was a block long. He knew he had to wait so he could collect his money for the donation. while waiting in line he noticed a banner on the bulding across the street. ” GRAND OPENING SPERM BANK ” Donations $50.00 Dollars! He begain to think, “if i stand here they will stick me with a needle and it will hurt but….if i go across the street i will go into a booth and…..besides it was twice the money!!!
So he hurrys across the street and gets in line at the sperm bank. After a few minutes he notices in front of him a woman …he begins to think…”she must think she is in the blood bank line i had better tell her before she gets inside” The man taps her on the sholder and says” Miss dont you want the blood bank line across the street” the woman turns with her cheeks bulging and shakes her head and says ….uhuh….

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed ‘What the hell did you do that for!?’
Tarzan replied, ‘Always check for squirrels.’

Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger.

a girl wanted to have sex with her boyfriend,but her boyfriend
said no.she then told her boyfriend but everyone does it and her boyfriend said but i am not everyone, i am me.

Old Man are stupid.

matt bruce

Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.

Johnny says, “You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you”. His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, “Son, there’s no way! I’ve been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!”.

Johnny replies, “Yep, Dad, I think I have.”
So his Dad thinks for a minute, “I tell you what, when we see a woman we’ve had sex with, we’ll clap.”
Johnny says “o.k.”

They continue down the street, Johnny says “Hey look, it’s Betty Lou” (clap).
His Dad looks, “Ya, I know Betty Lou” (clap).

“Look,” says his dad, “There’s Sally” (clap).
Johnny says “I know Sally” (clap). “And there’s Jenny” (clap).
His dad looks, “Yes, I know Jenny” (clap).

So Johnnys dad says “Well, Son, I’ve got to hand it to you, you haven’t done bad for yourself, but I’ve got ya beat.”

They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says “Hi Hon” (clap).

And Johnny comes in and says “Hi Mom,” (clap) “Sis,” (clap) “Grandma” (clap)

Man: ‘Haven’t we met before?’Woman: ‘Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.’Man: ‘Haven’t I seen you someplace before?Woman: ‘Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.’Man: ‘Is this seat empty?’Woman: ‘Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.’Man: ‘So, wanna go back to my place ?’Woman: ‘Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?’Man: ‘Your place or mine?’Woman: ‘Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.’Man: ‘I’d like to call you. What’s your number?’Woman: ‘It’s in the phone book.’Man: ‘But I don’t know your name.’Woman: ‘That’s in the phone book too.’Man: ‘So what do you do for a living?’Woman: ‘I’m a female impersonator.’Man: ‘What sign were you born under?’Woman: ‘No Parking.’Man: ‘Hey, baby, what’s your sign?’Woman: ‘Do not Enter’Man: ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’Woman: ‘Unfertilized !’Man: ‘Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason’Woman: ‘Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!’Man: ‘I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.’Woman: ‘You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?’Man: ‘I know how to please a woman.’Woman: ‘Then please leave me alone.’Man: ‘I want to give myself to you.’Woman: ‘Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.’Man: ‘I can tell that you want me.’Woman: ‘Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.’Man: ‘If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:Woman: ‘Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.’Man: ‘Your body is like a temple.’Woman: ‘Sorry, there are no services today.’Man: ‘I’d go through anything for you.’Woman: ‘Good! Let’s start with your bank account.’Man: ‘I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: ‘Yes, but would you stay there?’

i have no dick so my girlfriend carnt have a baby so i when to the doctors and he gave me a sexie elecric one and i had sex and it made my girlfriend boobs light up so she married me!

Why can’t a ghost have sex??

Because he has a hollow weenie!