Category: sex

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartments to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “Did you hear anything?” “No!” said the Invisible Man, “But my ass hurts”!

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she’s back at the doctor. She says, “Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah… “, she says, “that’s okay. We aren’t going back to that Restaurant anyway.”

Q: How do you give a blind queer a thrill?

A: Leave the plunger in the toliet!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the
front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

“Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee”.

He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.

At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

What do a cubics cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with them the harder they become.

A woman goes into a pet store to buy herself a pet. The clerk
says to her “Can I help you find something miss?” “Yes” the
woman replies, “I’m looking for a pet for myself.” The man shows
her around and after looking at all the regular type pets the
woman asks “Do you have any thing special?” The clerk says,
“Well we do have a pussy eating frog for $200. “The woman is
curious and asks just how does this work, the man says “Its
easy, just lay naked on the bed next to the frog and say eat me
frog.” The woman says “Are you sure this frog eats pussy?” “Yes
I am.” the clerk answers.

The woman buys the frog and takes it home. When she gets home,
she takes off her clothes and lays on the bed next to the frog.
“Eat me.” She says to the frog. Nothing happened. Again she says
“Eat me.” And again nothing happened. Feeling ripped off she
calls and tells the clerk what happened. The clerk says, “That
can’t be, I’ll be right over.” The clerk shows up and says to
the frog, “Eat her.” And nothing happened. The clerk then says,
“Alright watch me, this is the last time I’m gonna show you how
to eat pussy!”

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.

What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … God, I miss him!

“But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the husband, “but, why?” “Duh; you’re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”

Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hoer, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

What do you call a lesbian with a long tongue?
-Well Hung

A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and exclaimed, ‘Wowie!’ A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look. She said, ‘Oh, my God!’ Just then the maitre d’ walked down the hall and moved her out of the way. He took a look and said, ‘I can’t believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!’