Category: sex

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better- your ear or your finger?

A woman went to the doctor because her husband did not want to
have sex with her anymore. She was worried there might be
something wrong with him or her. So the doctor said “Here, take
this pill and put it in some of his mashed potatoes tonight when
you eat super. I dont know if it will work and if it does work I
dont know how strong it will be.” The lady said, “Thats ok! I
will do ANYTHING for sex.”

So later that night she put it in his mashed potatoes.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her how
everything went. She goes “It was great Doctor, he pushed all of
the dishes to the floor and we had the best sex we have had in
months! I loved it!” The doctor said, “Well if you broke
anything then I will pay for it.” The lady said, “No that won’t
be necissary because I dont think that we will be going back to
that restaurant anymore anyways!!!”

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband’s glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband’s glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: “Hello, how’s the whole family doing??”

The son, who answered the phone, answers: “Well, my Mom’s dead, my Sister’s pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, ‘Here KITTY KITTY’.”

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world
in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,
Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the
Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, ‘How much weight do you want to lose?’, to which the man
responded, ‘Ten pounds.’

The voice replied, ‘Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.’.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, ‘If you catch me, you can have me’.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing
like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she
said, ‘Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!’. He did just that
and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
‘How much weight do you want to lose?’, to which the somewhat less
overweight man replied, ‘Twenty pounds.’.

‘Very well’, the voice on the phone told him, ‘Give me your credit card
number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the
morning.’

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating ‘If you catch me, you can have
me’. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly
passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, ‘Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!’ He ran to the
bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

‘This is fantastic!’, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, ‘How much weight do
you want to lose?’. ‘Fifty pounds!’, the man exclaimed. ‘Fifty pounds?’,
the voice asked. ‘That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.’

The man replied, ‘Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just
have your representative over here in the morning!’, and he hung up the
phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some
cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am
he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large
gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

‘If I catch you, I’m going to screw you’

The nymphomaniac said to her friend “I’ve got an odd problem — every time I sneeze , I have a incredible orgasm.”Her friend asks “What are you doing about it?””Sniffing pepper” The Nympho replies

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said,
“but what the dollar is for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last
day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you.”
He said, “f*** him, and give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the young woman, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?”

what do you call a blonde having sex?

bored!

One day there was a man and a woman and they decided to get married. So after they got married they adopted a boy about 8 or
9. The next day the man said to the woman that he was going to have a shower but the little boy said i want to get in the shower tooooooooo, so they both got in the shower and the man says whatever you do don’t look down. So of course the boy looks down and he says, “What is that daddy?” So that dad says thats my Snake so the boy says o.k. Once they get out of the shower the mom says to the dad thaht she was going to have a shower and the little boy says but I want to have a shower tooooooooo, so they both go to have a shower and the mom says whatever you do don’t look up OR down so of course the boy looks up AND down and when he looks up he says whats that mommy and the mom says those are my headlights and then he looks down and he says what is that mom and she says that is my garden so the boy says ok so they both get out of the shower and that night the mom and dad get into their bed and the little boy says but i want to get into the bed to so they say o.k. So in the middle of the night the little boy says, “Mommy Mommy turn on your headlights there’s a Snake in your Garden.

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartments to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “Did you hear anything?” “No!” said the Invisible Man, “But my ass hurts”!

A young boy was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen. After a while, the kid wanders into the kitchen and asks, “Mummy, are the Spice Girls robots?”

His mother replies, “No, dear they aren’t. Why do you ask?”

“Well daddy just said that he’d like to screw the arse off the black one.”