Category: sex

Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?

Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip.

Then you say, “Honey, you’re the worst piece of ass I ever had!”

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Q.How Does 1 + 1 = 3
A.In A Bed

How do you get 4 blondes to sit on 1 chair ? Turn the chair upside down

Christmas was around the corner and a man wanted to give his
wife the perfect Christmas present for her. So he decided to go
to the Victoria’s Secret Store. When he got inside he asked the
lady at the desk “Can you bring out some sheer underwear, it
will be a present for my wife for Christmas.” So the lady
disappears into the back and comes out with some underwear. She
says to him “This underwear is $150 dollars.” “But I want
something sheerer, infact bring me the sheerest you’ve got.” the
man replies. The lady again goes into the back and comes back
with another pair of underwear. She says, “Sir, this is the
sheerest underwear we sell, it costs $300.” The man says,”Well I
guess I’ll have to buy it then.” He buys the underwear and
leaves.
Christmas rolls around, and he gives her the present. She
opens it up and says,”It’s perfect.” He tells her to go try it
on and he says,”I’ll be waiting on the bed for you.” She
disappears into the bathroom and try’s it on. She looks at it in
the mirror and says in her head, I cant even see the underwear
so might as well not even wear it.
So she walks out and see’s her husband on the bed bare ass.
He looks at her and says,”Geez you could of at least ironed it.”

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer
said he would teach him how to sell things. “Watch how I do it” he said to the
new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said
to him “You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you’re
going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass.” “You know,” said the man, “I
do need to get a new mower, sure I’ll take one.”

After the customer left, the new kid said, “I think I see what you mean. Let
me handle this next one.” A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a
box of tampons. The young salesman then said, “You know you should get you a new
lawnmower to go with that.”

The man then asked the young salesman, “What are you talking about?” “Well,”
he said, “It looks like your weekend’s shot so you might as well cut the
grass!”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. ”Father,” he said, ”I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, ”Don’t you love this girl?””Oh yes, very much,” he said, ”but you see, I have very smelly feet and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.””No problem,” said dad, ”all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.” Mom,” she said, ”When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.””Honey,” her mother consoled, ”everyone has bad breath in the morning.””No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fianc�e will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, ”Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.””I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. ”Not a word,” her mother affirmed. ”Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, ”What on earth are you doing?””Oh, my,” he replies, ”you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, ‘7 come 11’ all night and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”The second guy says, “I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ‘Hit me light or hit me hard!’ and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”The third guy says, “You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,”
she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his
arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you
screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she
was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she
screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,00000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.The University of Virginia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

One day a mother and her son was walking in the park, the boy saw two dogs fucking. The boy asked, “Mommy, what are they doing?” Hesitating, she knew she had to come up with an answer and quick, she said, “Making cakes, hunnie.” The next day they went to the zoo, the boy saw two monkies fucking, he asked the same question, and got the same answer. The next day the boy came up to his mother and said, “Mommy, I saw you and daddy making cakes in the den last night.” Shocked, the mother asked, “Oh, how do you know?!?” The boy said, “Well, you were doing it like the monkies and the dogs we saw, and I licked the frosting off of the sofa.”

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles.

In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, “who are you and what are you charged with”??
“I’m duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park”.

2nd one comes in, ” who are you and what are you charged with”?
“I’m duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park”.

3rd one comes in.” Who are you and what were you charged with”?
“I’m duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park”.

4th one comes in judge says “let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?”

“NO, he says…I’m bubbles!!”.