Category: sex

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got
home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the
man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in
a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! You�re not going to cut it
off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the
garage on fire.”

There’s this couple and they’ve been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won’t sleep with him because she’s saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he’s very hot and bothered, and he said, “Oh come on, just a feel.”

She said, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

They went back and forth. He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”

She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”

She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

He says, “Please, please?” and she says, “No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”

She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”

She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that’s all.”

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in… he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town… she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, “OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!”

A little stunned, he says, “NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!”

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny’s house, and says, ”Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny’s got a penis like a peanut!” Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, ”What, you mean it’s shaped like a peanut?” ”No silly, it’s salty!”[Editor’s note: Please don’t sue me.]

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, ”Yes.” The salesman said, ”Well, can I see him please?” Johnny snickered and said, ”No, he is in the shower.” Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, ”Yes.”The salesman said, ”Well can I see her?” Johnny snickered again and said, ”No, she’s in the shower too.” The salesman then asked, ”Do you think they will be out soon?” Johnny laughed this time and said ”No.” The salesman asked, ”Why?” ”Well”, Johnny said, ”when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue.”

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man’s parents.In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?”The grooms young brother said, “Mommy, I think — “”Oh shut up, I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.The young lad once again said, “Mommy I think — “”Well what is it that you think?” asked the mother rather irritated.”I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in
room 436.”

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.The little girl says ”Mummy what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies ”Ummm they are making cakes”. The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.The next day the girl says to her mother ”Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night.”Shocked, the Mother says ”how do you know?” The little girl replies, ”I licked the icing off the sofa.”

Why do hippos have sex under water?

Why?

Cause it takes alot to get a fifty pound pussy wet!!!HAHAHA

A young boy approaches his father and asks, ‘Dad, what is the difference
between potentially and realistically?’

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then… ask your
brother if he’d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me what you learned from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars?’

The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like
that.’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?’

The girl replied, ‘Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to
pass up that opportunity!’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Tom Cruise
for a million dollars?’

Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know how much a million dollars is?’

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father
asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a queer.’

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, ”Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.””Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, ”Say,” said the druggist, ”I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?””Yeah, so?” said the officer. ”Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Charlie says to Audrey, “Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on
me?”

Audrey replies, “Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You
don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…”

“Three? Well, when were they?” He asked.

“Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and
signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when
was number 3?”

“Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”