Category: sex

Whats one sign of old age on a guy………..
When he jacks off and it come out cottage cheese.

Jon was looking for a little “action.” He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.Little did he know she was darn near a nymphomaniac.After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.On the way out, he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn’t find “it.”After a couple of minutes of “fishing around,” he finally said, “Look, it’s okay. She’s not here!”

your sisteris so stupid

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: “Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.

“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!”

Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.

“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent, “What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?”

“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider”

If Men were to re-write the rules:Rule # 1Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.Rule # 3If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.Rule # 4It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.Rule # 5Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?Rule # 6Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.Rule # 7You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.Rule # 8Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.Rule # 9Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.Rule # 10Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.Rule # 11 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying ‘This is our exit’ is not necessary.Rule # 12Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Whay do woman do to men?

They go suck on the hotDog

Which condom would you use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it?
Don’t you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

This guy was getting married and was worried about his
honeymoon, so he went to the sex specialist and told him her his
story and she said “ok, heres what you do, practice bouncing
this quarter on your stomach and when youve got it came see me
in a week”. So he went home and started
practicing,”quarter,quarter,quarter,quarter”.He went back in a
week as instructed and said “Doctor,Doctor!!!!,ive got it!
Quarter,quarter,quarter,quarter”. “DR” “Very good, now i want
to practice doing that and bouncing these 2 dimes on each side
of your hip’s and when youve done that come back in a week”.So
he went home and started to practice, “Quarter dime dime,
quarter dime dime, quarter dime dime,quarter dime dime”. He went
back in a week as instructed and said ” Docter Doctor!!!!! ive
got it!!! “QUarter dime dime,Quarter dime dime,quarter dime
dime, quarter dime dime”. “DR” “Great, now i want you to
practice doing that while bouncing this dollar on your back and
when youve done that come back in a week.( in one week he gets
married).So he goes home and starts practicing “Quarter dime
dime dollar, quarter dime dime dollar, quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar”. He went back in one week as
instructed and said “Doctor Doctor!!!!!! ive got it! Quarter
dime dime dollar, quarter dime dime dollar,quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar” “DR” “Excelent! now have a
great time on your honeymoon”. So he got married and its 10:00
pm and he is fucking her like he practiced saying in his head
“”Quarter dime dime Dollar, quarter dime dime dollar,quarter
dime dime dollar.quarter dime dime dollar” His wife
screams”Faster&Harder!” so he does and in his head agian hes
saying “Quarter dime dime Dollar, quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar.quarter dime dime dollar” Agian
feeling great his wife say’s “Faster&harder!” “MAN” “$1.45!
$1.45! $1.45!

16> “But officer, she asked for directions!”

15> You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

14> Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

13> Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

12> “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

11> Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

10> Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

9> A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

8> Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

7> You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

6> Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

5> Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

4> You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

3> Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

2> Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

1> “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]