Category: sex

14> Your name: John

Your brother’s name: John

Your other brother’s name: John

Your sister’s name: Trixie

13> Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”

12> Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.

11> Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.

10> Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”

9> When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”

8> Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.

7> After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”

6> Charlie Sheen is your godfather.

5> You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.

4> His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”

3> Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.

2> Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?

1> Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He
looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor?” he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during
birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he
said.

He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?”

“Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with
his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that that
hurts!”

Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?

A: The Wheelchair!

12> “Doesn’t it seem strange to be doing this? I mean, without a keyboard in front of you?”

11> “So, I hear you’re looking for a colossal jerk.”

10> “Excuse me — I could use a hand over here.”

9> “Doubles, anyone?”

8> “So what time do you get off?”

7> “This reminds me of Hands Across America. Only slimier.”

6> “Are you finished with that?”

5> “Good choice! The SuperSchlong 6000 was a Consumer Reports Best Buy.”

4> “This is just a microcosm of life… oh, sorry about that — I’m waxing philosophical.”

3> “Hello, handsome! I will be your father figure….”

2> “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

1> “Can you help me out? I’m blind — and extremely confused right now.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. ‘But, how will you know when our baby is born?’ she asked. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘after you’ve had the baby, just send me a postcard and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.’ Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. ‘Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,’ she explained. ‘I don’t understand what it means!’ ‘Just wait until I get home and I’ll read it,’ he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said: ‘Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!’

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says “Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I’m a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me”?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try…on the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.”

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it in”, she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, “what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, “oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping”.

The husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!!!!”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years, when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh, she got fired too.”

One day, little Suzy was being babysat at her grandparents’
house. Her grandfather was going to clean out the shed, and she
went to see what he was doing.

She noticed two spiders in the corner, with one on top of the
other one, and said, “Grandpa, what is that spider on top?”

The grandpa looks at the spiders, and says, “Well, that’s a
daddy longlegs.” and continues with cleaning out the shed. A few
minutes pass, and the little girl is still curious about the
spiders. She says, “Is the one on bottom the Mommy longlegs?”

The grandpa says, “No, that’s a daddy longlegs too, Sweetie,”

Then, the little girl walks over, stomps on and kills the
spiders and says “We’re not gonna have any of that shit around
here!”

We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is the definition of “making love”?

A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?

A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?

A: Spits out the feathers.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

theres a little boy and a little girl. the little girl goes my mommie told me about my garage and the little boy goes well my daddy told me about my limo. then the little boy goes can i park my limo in your garage.

Subway Condoms: “Eat Fresh”

Q. Define “Egghead:”
A. What Mrs. Dumpy gives to Humpty?