Category: sex

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and deliver a
basket of goodies to Grandmother when her mother stopped her,
saying “Little Red, you had better be careful in the woods
because the Big Bad Wolf is out today. If he catches you, he is
going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

“Oh I’ll be all right,” Little Red answered as she pulled out a
rather large shotgun from the basket she was carrying. Assured
that her daughter would be safe, she allowed Little Red to leave
the house and begin the journey to Grandmother’s house.

Along the trail in the woods Little Red came across her friends
the three little pigs (don’t ask what they are doing in the
woods, after all it is just a joke)

“Little Red, Little Red,” they called to her, “you had better be
careful because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today. He said
that if he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red
dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little
red socks off.”

After showing them the shotgun and assuring her friends that she
would be all right, Little Red continued her journey to
Grandmother’s.

Just then the Big Bad Wolf appeared and he said, “Little Red at
last I found you. You know what’s going to happen now, right? I
am going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

“I don’t think so…” Little Red replied as she leveled the
shotgun at the wolf. She then lifted up her little red dress,
and pulled down her little red panties and said, “you’re going
to eat me just like the book says….”

one day a gentlemen just moved to a city and looked for a job.Later that day he was hired to be a lumber jack. As weeks went by he got hornier and hornier so he asked his boss where all the girls went? His boss said just go to that tree over there and stick your penis in. So the gentlemen went over to the tree, when hos boss left he put his dick in….He felt the best sensation a blowjob could give.he went on for hours moaning and screaming with all the pleasure. The nxt day after he finished his job he went for more and it was even better than before so he pushed harder and harder until he was exhausted……2 days later he went back to the tree but nothing happened.”No more sucking!”…He went back to his boss and said what happened to the blowjobs? his boss answered today it was your turn to go in the tree!

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too
small. Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not
so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, the
wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will
this take?” she asks. “They will grow larger over a period
of years,” he replies. The wife stops. “Do you really think
rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts larger over the years?” Without
missing a beat the husband says, “Worked for your butt,
didn’t it?”

Q. What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg? A. Fake an orgasm.

one christmas eve santa came downa chimney and saw a lady
dressed in a skimpy black dress and she said ” Santa don’t you
wanna stay a while longer?” and he says “ho ho ho santa’s gotta
go, gotta deliver presents to all the chilldren you know”. so
another chimney he goes down and that lady is there she is
dressed in a towel “santa are you sure you don’t wanna stay?” he
sais “ho ho ho santa’s gotta go gotta deliver presents to all
the chilldren you know” and the next chimney he goes down that
lady is there but she is naked holing a champaigne glass and
looks at him and says “santa are you really really sure you
don’t wanna stay?” and he replies “hey hey hey santas gotta stay
can’t get up the chimney with this woody in the way!”.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. ‘Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style?’ asked one of the two. ‘Well, not exactly,’ his friend replied, ‘She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.’ ‘Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?’ ‘Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she’s most likely to roll over and play dead.’

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

The wedding date was set and the groom�s three pals- a carpenter, an
electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.
The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would
give them a few chuckles.
The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore
that it would be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the
groom’s three friends received a letter saying the following:
“Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock
was only a minor setback but I am going to kill the S.O.B. that put Novocain in
the K-Y Jelly.”

15> You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

14> Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

13> Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

12> Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

11> Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”

You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

10> The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

9> Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

8> There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

7> You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

6> Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

5> After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

4> There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

3> You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

2> Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

1> Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof,

will you help your uncle Jack off!

The rules for playing bedroom golf.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.

For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners are permitted to check shaft before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to
admire the entire course, paying special attention to well
formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played on in the past or are currently playing on to the owner
of the course being played.

Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for
this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.

Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else is playing what they considered to be a
private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are also advised not to play on courses where there is
no bush surrounding the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

You do not have to let other players play through.

It is not advisable for two players to attempt the same hole at
the same time.

Beware: Some courses may be contaminated. Report these courses
to all fellow players and course owners so that they will not
contaminate other courses or equipment. Should your equipment
become contaminated, avoid playing any further courses until the
contamination is removed. Should your course become
contaminated, restrict all players from the course until the
contamination is removed.

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we’re on the trucks ready to go. From now on we’re going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we’re going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1,” and his wife took off all here clothes.
“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell3,” and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4.”

“What’s this Bell 4?” asked her husband.
“More hose,” she replied, “You’re nowhere near the fire!”