Category: sex

Little Johnny walked into a bar, and asked for a beer. The
bartender, amused by the fact that a 6 year old kid was asking
for a beer, laughed. He told Johnny, “You’re not supposed to be
drinking, you’re only 6!” Little Johnny laughed and said, “I’m
not supposed to be fucking women yet either, but damn your
wife is hot!”

How do you reuse a condom??

Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs, He is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
“Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
“No, Dopey,” responds the Pontiff, “there are not.”
“Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?” Dopey asked.
“No, Dopey,” chuckles the Pope, “there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.”
“Mr. Pope,” Dopey asked pleadingly, “are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
“No, Dopey,” the Pope says sadly, “there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
Then, softly…in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting…
“Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin…”

Did u hear about rosie o’donnel? I herd she drowned. “really” yeah they said they found her face down on Ricky Lake.

This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him…. The kid walks up to The Madame and says that he wants a girl.

The Madame says to the kid “Sorry… You are too young.”

The Kid Promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says “One Girl Coming right up…”

As the Madame starts walking away the kid says “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active Herpes.”

The Madame says “Sorry Kid… All my girls are clean.”

The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says “One Dirty Lady Coming right up!!!”

The Kid goes upstairs… Fucks the girl and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask… “Why did you want a girl with Active herpes?”

The kid replied, “You see… It goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the Herpes… I’ll go home and my baby sitter will be there and I’ll fuck my baby sitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the baby sitter home and fuck the baby sitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 am. At nine the Milkman comes …. and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he’d asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.’I think it was sex-related, ‘ offered one of the crew.’Sex releated? How do you figure that?’ said the investigator.’Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, ‘where did that cocksucker go???”

your moms like a cheap shotgun,2 caps and then reload

one day callum was walking down the road and walked into a porn shop. he noticed that there was a huge fanny on the wall ! so he decided to take it home and pin it up on his bedroom wall. the next morinin he woke up to find out that it was gone then suddenly i found out it was my wifes fanny and i had walked into the hospital where she was gettin it cut off and she wanted a willy.

Once there was a man who died and went to hell.When he got
there he saw the devil sitting in a corner behind a big desk.He
walked over to him and said

” excuse me. “

” what is it? ” said the devil ” im a very busy man, i dont have
time for this “

” well i just died and…”

” yes,yes i understand just follow me i dont have time to
sentence you properly “

The devil lead the man to three doors and opened the first
one. Inside there was a man chained against a wall and a woman
standind on the other side with a whip, every couple of minutes
the woman would start lashing violently at the man until the man
was half dead. than like magic he would heal and it would start
all over again.

” no i dont want that one ” the man said. And they went to the
next door.

Inside there was, again, a man chained against the wall and
like the other door there was a woman standing on the other side
of the room, but instead of a whip, she had a knife with jagged
spikes sticking out of the blade. every few minutes she would
lunge forward, stick the knife into the mans stomach and twist
it back and forth, than yank his organs out with it and it would
start over again after it healed.

the man gulped and said ” no i dont want that one either “

So the devil lead him to the last door and opened it.
Inside this one there was ,again, a man and a woman, but this
time the man was not chained to the wall. instead he was
sprawled out comfortably on a chair. they were both naked. the
woman was giving him a blow-job.

the man suddenly said ” i want that one! “

so the devil walked up to them tapped the woman on the
shoulder and said ” your excused! “

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that ” I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn’t sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl�s parent�s house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on
in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had
no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!”

Q. why is womans kinckers like a car crash?

A. because theres blood at the front and skids at the back!