Category: sex

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”Dear,’ the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!’

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator??

A: Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

Q:Why do fagets were a ribbed condome
A:Better traction in the mud

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”

what do you do when you see a black man running down the hill with no head. stop laughing and reload

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, “Son, things haven’t been going very well and I’m afraid we’ll have to sell your duck. I’m really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.”

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, “Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you’re interested.”
He replies, “I’d sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.”
“Well,” she says, “maybe we can work something out.”

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying…..

When they come out, she is breathless and says, “Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I’ll give you back your duck.”

As you might guess, he’s all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, “I’ve got this friend who’s husband is a real loser. He hasn’t even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I’m gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead.”
She calls her friend and tells her, “You won’t believe this kid I’m gonna send over to you. He is the best I’ve had in years. He’s just what you need.”

What none of them know is that the woman’s husband is listening in on the other phone.
The kid sets off for the woman’s house and the husband meets him on the road and says, “Look boy, I’ll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife.”
Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see’s him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!!
He says, “Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!”

“Dad,” he says, “You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!”

There was a good man, a bad man and Michael Jackson. they were on a plane and its about to crash!
the good man said “good will to all children”, the bad man said “fuck all the children” and Micheal Jackson said “do we have enough time”

Three people living in a appartment, two of the people are having sex. The girl is in the time of the month. The room mate is in the other room hearing the people having sex. After a little while he gose in the next room and “what are you doing?”” The other guy said “”eating pizza!””

By Mike Rose

“

One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent’s bedroom.
It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night
he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.
Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,
he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top
of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they
both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going
on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke
him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were
doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he
is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his
father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to
keep him thin.

“But mommy,” the boy exclaims, “That won’t work, cause everyday
when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and
blows him back up!”

Whats the difference between a hooker and a bungee jump?
They are both fast, fun, and if the rubber breaks you are dead.

Q. What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Once there was this man named Bob. He was an American fighter
sent to Afghanistn to fight this war.

A month goes by and he is getting lonely. He hasnt had any sex
in a month. Things are really bad out there and he finally can
stand it anymore. Bob goes up to his sargent and says
“Sargent…things are really bad out her and i was
wondering…what do we do for sex?”. The sargent laughs and
replies “Well see that camel out there..?”. Bob yells “oh No! No
way im doing that!”. Bob runs out back into his tent.

Two months later. It was a cold night, Bob is laying in hi bed
and he just cant take it anymore. So he runs outside. Pulls down
his pants and screws the camel like he never screwed anything
before. He goes buck wild with the camel.

The next morning he walks up to his sargent and says “Well last
night i had sex with that camel, and i have to admit it was the
best sex i have ever had.” The sargent smiles and puts his hand
on Bob’s arm and says “Im happy for you son, but most guys just
ride into town.”