Category: sex

There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eye ball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eye ball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guy’s to proposition some of the local prostitute’s.

He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However instead of her mouth going across her face it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. she yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted” WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cant.

Q: What do Viagra and the dirt devil have in common?
A: They both put the power of an up right in to the palm of your hand.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the
doctor, he says,” How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my
fianc�e is still a virgin in every way.”

The doc said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep
it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an
impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night
in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, “You’ll be the first, no one
has ever touched these breasts.”

He whips down his pants and says, “Look at this; it’s still in the CRATE!”

Mr. Perkins, the anatomy instructor at a posh suburban girl�s college, said
during class, “Miss Smyth, would you please name the organ of the human body,
which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size,
and define the conditions.”
Miss Smyth gasped, and then said coldly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a
proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With
that, she sat down red faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Summers and asked the same question.
Miss Summers, with composure, replied. “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr., Perkins. “And now, Miss Smyth, I have three things to say
to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirt mind…and
Three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. but something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

“Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

“Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

“Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

“That’s funny,” the hooker said,”That’s what the last guy did.”

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

guy:”did it hurt?” girl:”did what hurt?” guy:”when you fell from heaven.” girl:”awww thats so sweet” guy:”ON YOUR FACE!!!”

Did you hear about the homosexual cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff?

I recently tried some of these new ‘flavoured’ condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag.

My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said “Mmmmm, Cherry flavour”,
The second night she said “Mmmmm, Mint flavour”,
The third night she said “Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour”,
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
and she said “Mmmmm, Cheese flavour”

“Cheese flavour ??” i said “I haven’t put one on yet!”

A mortician was working late one night preparing bodies for burial. As he examined the body of a Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery. The man had the largest penis he had ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr.Schwartz,” the mortician said, “but this has to be saved for posterity.” The mortician detached the dead mans schlong, stuffed it into a briefcase and took it home.”Honey,” he said to his wife as he reached in to recover his prize, “I have something to show you that you won’t believe.””Oh, my God!” she screamed as it came into view. “Schwartz is dead?!”

why are cowgirls bowlegged?

because cowboys like to eat with there hats on.