Category: sex

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: ”This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, ”He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: ”This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, ”This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: ”This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, ”WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.” The man turns to his wife and says, ”Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly…

“My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

Question = What do you call a hooker with white eyes?
Answer = FULL!!

How does a perve know when to stop fucking?

When his mates breasts flash red…

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to
hear the details.

She said, “He was a big muscular and handsome sailor”.

“What did he want to do?” They all asked.

She said, “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said
he didn’t have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be
$75, but he didn’t have that much either. Finally I said, well
how much do you have?”

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said, “For $25 all I can do is service you by
hand.”

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said, “He
pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand
above the first and then the first hand above the second hand.”

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then
what did you do?”

“I loaned him $75!” she said.

There are three flys in a jar. Two females and one male. One day
the female flys are talking and one says to the other one ‘I
need to get out of this jar!’ The male fly overhears this and
calls the female fly over. ‘I can tell you how to get out of the
jar’, he says. ‘Really? Tell me.’ The male fly replies ‘Ok. But
you have to sleep with me first.’ The female fly doesn’t think
to highly of that but she agrees. So when they are finished she
says tell me how to get out of the jar. The male fly says fly
around the inside of the jar as fast as you can three times,
then stop in the center and go straight up and out. The female
fly gets all excited. She flys around the inside of the jar as
fast as she can three times, stops in the center and goes
straight up and hits her head and fall to the bottom of the jar.

The next day the female flys are talking again and the second
female fly says I really gotta get out of this jar. The male fly
hears this and calls her over. He tells her he knows how to get
out of the jar. She asks him to tell her. He says he will but
she has to sleep with him first. So she says what the hell and
they go and do it. After they are finished she asks him how to
get out of the jar. He says fly around the inside of the jar as
fast as you can three times, stop in the center and go straight
up and out. So she does as shes told. And she hits her head also.

So now this male fly is stuck in the jar with two really pissed
off female flys. They start to go after him when he says wait it
works. I’ll show you. So he flies around the inside of the jar
as fast as he can three times, stops in the center and goes
straight up and out. Then flys around the outside of the jar
three times and comes back in.

(The punchline is the person your telling the joke to SHOULD say
I don’t get it. Then you reply: Sleep with me and I’ll tell
you!!!)

Two guys were traveling through the upper mid-west one February when it started to snow. Being guys, of course they pressed on even when road conditions were totally white-out, and they ended up in a ditch. Try as they might, they couldn’t get the car un-stuck. One of the travelers spotted a light on the hill next to the road and said, ‘That looks like a farm up there, lets go up and see if we can get out of this blizzard.’ The other guy agrees and up the hill they go. When they got to the farm they found the occupant was a real nice lady and they asked if they can stay in the barn until the storm blows over, and they can dig their car out. The lady invites them in and makes them some hot coffee, as clearly they’re very chilled.. During the conversation over the warm brew, they learn that she is a widow, living alone.After several cups of coffee, she announces that she sees no reason for such nice guys to sleep in the barn when she has this big empty comfortable 4 bedroom house and it won’t be necessary for them to stay in the barn as there is plenty of room in the house.After some more pleasant conversation everyone turns in. The next morning the roads are clear and after a nice big breakfast the two guys thank the widow for her hospitality and depart. About nine months later one of the guys receives a registered letter from a law firm in the state where they met the widow. He calls his buddy and asks, ‘Do you remember the night we stayed with that lady during the big blizzard?’ ‘Sure,’ his buddy replied. ‘Why?’ ‘Did you sneak into her room, make love and give her my name as yours?’ ‘Well yes,’ his friend said, ‘but you are single and sleeping around and I’m married, so I thought that you’d understand and not mind.’Naw, thats fine,’ his buddy replied. ‘Just wanted you to know she died and left me her farm.’

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there!”

She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!”

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

The other runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

He replied “Only if it’s raining.”

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. ”What color?” they asked. He settled for white. ”How much does it cost?” he asked. ”Twenty dollars.” ”Very good,” he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea. ”Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?” ”No,” he said, ”nothing like that.” ”Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s bust resembles.” He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, ”Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?”

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. ‘We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,’ she said, ‘ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?’A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, ‘Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?’

14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life.

12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it’s all fun and games until someone loses their ‘nads.

11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.

9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!

7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

6. “I Phelta Thi” is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

5. Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.

2. Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor — think of it as “acing Biology.”

1. In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a hooker?

A Fucking Know it all.