Category: sex

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Mike Tyson came home from 2nd grade and said “Mom, I’ve got the biggest dick in my class – is that cuz I’m black?”

“No son, that’s cuz your 18”

Charlie marries a virgin, and it’s their wedding night. He’s on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in.She says, “Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table.”He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, “Is that better?”She says, “Much better.”He says, “Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy.”

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, “How have things been going?”The second guy – speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y… tells the first guy, “I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”The first guy says in amazement, “Hey, you don’t stutter any more.”The answer comes, ” Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.” The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married. “W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i…t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o…r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e” “Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend. “W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s”

Q. What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven’s First Movement.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had
better have an explanation.”

“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog
track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

“What was that for?” he complained.

“Your dog called last night.”

15> Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

14> I say zip it — zip it good!

13> Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

12> Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

11> Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

10> Just Say Whoa

9> Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

8> The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

7> Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

6> Leave It Near Beaver

5> Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

4> You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

3> Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

2> Spend a little time away from the orifice.

1> “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer.The nervous systems hasmany thousands of electrical connections.”The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

John walks in to a porn shop and said that he is looking for a dildo that would keep his wife busy while he is gone for 2 weeks the person at the desk said why would you won�t to buy a dildo. John said that she is a real horn ball. He did not won�t her sleeping around. The man behind the desk said that he has the right one for you. It is the voodoo dick this is how it works, so the man opens a box and there is an old looking dildo. the man behind the desk said voodoo dick the door the dildo fly�s out of the box and starts humping the door john said ill take it the man said there is one thing to know to get it back in the box you have to say voodoo dick the box the voodoo dick fly�s back in to the box. When john gets home he tells his wife about it but forgets to tell her how to stop it he is in a rush because he is going to miss his plan. so his wife is going to try it out she gets naked and says voodoo dick my pussy after just one min she has had 5 orgasms she thinks that she is done but she dose not know how to shut it off so she drives to the hospital but on the way a cop pulls her over because he thinks that she is drunk but she says it is her voodoo dick and the cop says voodoo dick my ass

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?”

The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”

The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”

“And how about the Martian woman?”

The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!”

A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”.

Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.

The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.

This guy walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands it to him, and pushes over a bowl of peanuts. The man is having a sip of his beer when he hears a tiny voice say “nice tie.” He quickly looks around but sees nothing. He takes another sip when he hears “nice hat too.” He quickly puts down the beer, but there’s no one around, so he asks the bartender, “I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things, whats going on?” The bartender nods understandingly and says, “Oh, its the peanuts, they’re complimentary.”