Category: sex

Cover your Dick before the prick

The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”

Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.

Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”

She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”

Theres a guy with a 25-inch penis and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having sex with. One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem. She tells him about a frog who can make his penis smaller. All he had to do is make the frog say no and his penis would shrink 5-inches. So he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him. The frog says no and hes down to 20-inches. He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone. He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him. The frog said”How many times do I have to tell you?No, no, no, no, no.”

There Are 3 Pregnant Chicks. The First One Was A Burnette And She Said I Think I Will Have A Boy Because I Was On The Bottom.

The Second One Was a Red Head And She Said I Think I Will Have A Girl Because I Was On Top.

The Third One Was A Blonde And She Said OOO IM Gonna Have Puppies Because I Did It DOGGY STYLE!!

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

“All right !” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

“I should hope so !” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

“Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”

There’s this man who’s taking a walk around the red light district until he
passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: “The Hooker with Three
Breasts…� The man gut�s just a little interested and thinks “well… that
could be a once in a lifetime experience”. So he goes in and walks up to the man
behind the counter. “I’d like to see the hooker with the three breasts” he says.

“Are you sure you can afford that… It’ll cost you a thousand dollars” the
pimp replies. But, the man is too exited; pull’s his wallet and pays him the
money. So, he’s taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house
and when he opens the room… there she is. The room is dark but as he comes
closer he sees it… three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of
his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night
before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand
dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of
the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong… “Hey!
You had three breasts yesterday…” he says after which she smiles and says
“What did you expect honey… you can only suck out a boil like that once!�
There’s this man who’s taking a walk around the red light district until he
passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: “The Hooker with Three
Breasts…� The man gut�s just a little interested and thinks “well… that
could be a once in a lifetime experience”. So he goes in and walks up to the man
behind the counter. “I’d like to see the hooker with the three breasts” he says.

“Are you sure you can afford that… It’ll cost you a thousand dollars” the
pimp replies. But, the man is too exited; pull’s his wallet and pays him the
money. So, he’s taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house
and when he opens the room… there she is. The room is dark but as he comes
closer he sees it… three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of
his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night
before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand
dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of
the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong… “Hey!
You had three breasts yesterday…” he says after which she smiles and says
“What did you expect honey… you can only suck out a boil like that once!�

there are three boys and one came to school late the techer said weir were you he said on blueberry hill he said ok take your sate and the seken boy came in and he only had pants on and the techer said weir were you and he said on blueberry hill ok take your sete the threed boy came in and the techer said weir were you he said on blueberry hill ok take your sate then a girl came in and the techer said weir were you no let me gess you were on blueberry hill no I am blueberry hill.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he
discovers that his poor patient has had practically every
therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice
I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical
school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub,
and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the
hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This
helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the
bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately
gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six
weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I
took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has
ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice
house.”

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband couldn�t make love to her. The doctor said try this new viagra powder, just put some in his coffee and see how you get on. A week later the woman went back to her doctor and the doctor asked how the powder had worked. The wife said it was wonderful I put the powder in his coffee and right away he ripped my clothes off spread-eagled me on the table the mugs and plates went crashing everywhere. He made mad passionate love to me it was the best sex I have ever had. The only problem is I don�t think we can go to that coffee shop any longer.