Category: sex

Their is a man sitting in a bar when gay man approaches and says, “If you woke up in the forest and your ass itched and you itched it and got Vaseline on your hand, would you tell anybody?” The other man said. “NO!” Then the gay says, “If you reached farther into your crack and pulled out a used condom would you tell anyone?” The guy said “HELL NO!” Then the gay guy said “Wanna go camping”

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”

The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”

“Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.

The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”

“Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”

His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

Recent internet humor broadcasts have suggested that Vice President Al Gore is the perfect spokesmodel for the new wonder drug, Viagra. It is a stiff, er…. erect ummm…. logical connection, to be sure… …but I just dunno. I think the following commercial would sell A LOT more pills: Imagine Jack Nicholson in a reprise of his ‘Horney Little Devil’ role from THE WICHES OF EASTWICK SCENE: A richly wooded library filled with books, with a fire burning in the fireplace. Jack Nicholson is dressed silk PJ’s and an embroidered bathrobe; seated in a leather wing-backed chair. Camera pans across the bookshelves, the fireplace, and the wingback chair, then zooms in on Jack’s face. He is reading the label on a Viagra Bottle which he holds in his right hand. Nicholson notes that someone is looking at him, looks up, then drops his head a little, looks directly into the camera, and rotates the bottle so the label is visable. ‘Guys, WE know you still have it in ya.’He cocks his head slightly, executes ‘The Nicholson Smile(tm)’ and raises one eyebrow. Fade to black, superimpose Viagra Logo.

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man’s house and told the man’s wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.’

‘Well,”she said,”he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. “And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man’s wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? “She said, “Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.”

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man’s husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General’s question.”What would you like to do with his body?”

The gay man reesponded, “Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn’t like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!”

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray’s trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one (was this the consolation prize?).

Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the letter in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a new wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee on his crotch.

YES, I’M GONNA GET LAID!! I WILL SEND OUT TEN COPIES!!
(SEND OUT TEN COPIES GUYS, UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR MAGAZINES FOUND!)

3 guys are walking down the street when it starts to rain they decide to take shelter in a hotel for the night. The first guy walks into a hotel and askes for a room the hotel manager says “we have no rooms left but you can sleep in the shed but it has a baby in it” the man takes it. The second man walks a bit further to the next hotel ans askes for a room the manager replies ” we have no rooms left but you can sleep in the barn but it has someones baby in it. The man takes it. The third guy walks in to the next hotel and askes for a room the manager replies “Ww have no rooms left but you can sleep in the attic but it has 18 ladies i it” The man takes it. The next day the manager goes to the first guy and asks how did u sleep he says “I slept like a log” The second manager asks the next bloke how did u sleep he replied “I seleeped like a baby” The third hotel manager goes into the third guy and asks how did you sleep he replies with “Mate I felt like Greg Norman I did 18 holes in an hour”

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly,middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding fine.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70’s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.

14. Men always groan ‘OH YEAH!’ when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they ‘high five’ each other.(and the girl isn’t disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don’t exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.

19. There’s a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches… or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to ‘suck it’.

26. Ass holes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don’t have to beg.

30. When standing during a blow job, a man must always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds ” My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she
puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in
the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is,” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks,” the man replies.
“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.
“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he’s in.
“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.
“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a
car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her
little boy.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes, it is,” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the
hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball
and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.
“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right
now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father
explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes
into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark
in here, isn’t it?” To which the priest exclaims, “Don’t you start that
shit in here.”

The bride and groom goes home after the wedding reception and of course they go to bed to have a little rest. Early morning the groom asks if she would go down to the kitchen and make him breakfast. The bride replied, first my dear we should have sex, so they have sex and fall asleep. Now they awake and the groom asks the same question except it is for lunch. The bride replies with the same answer, we should have sex again in which case they do and falls asleep again. Upon waking before dinner the bride sees her husband sitting over the electric heater in the room, and she asks, what my dear are you doing to which he riplies “I am warming dinner”. Enjoy!!!!!!

I hear Divine Brown has decided to take herself out of the downtown Hollywood life and get herself an education.

She took up a psychology course at her local university, but alas, she had to drop out due to lack of funds. Well, she had a grant and she blew it.