Category: sex

This purportedly true factiod just in from News of the Wierd: The Food and Drug Administration’s spokesperson on inquiries about the new anti-impotence pill Viagra is Janet Woodcock.

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places
they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded
countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the
road.

The woman says, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty
years ago!”

The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he
immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never
before.

Back in the car, the guys says, “Darlin’, you sure never moved like that
forty year ago — or any time since that I can remember.”

The woman says, “Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn’t electrified!”

Happy moments, praise Viagra.
Difficult moments, seek Viagra.
Quiet moments, worship Viagra.
Painful moments, trust Viagra.
Every moment, thanks Viagra.

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A little boy says “mom can I take a shower with you?” She says ” yes if you dont look up or down” so they got in the shower and the boy looks up”What are thoughs?” he says “They must be head lights” then he looked down and said”whats that,it must be a garage” The next day the little boy says “daddy can I take a shower with you?” he said “yes but dont look down” so when he got in the shower he looked down. “Whats that? it must be a snake.” That night he asked “mommy daddy can i sleep with you?” “they sai “yes but dont look under the covers” so he looked and yelled “Mommy turn on your headlights the snakes going into the garage!!!”

Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them
there.

St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re
here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.
Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t you will forfeit your
privilege of being here and we’ll have to ask you to visit our friend below.
Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a
car here in Heaven because it is so big!”

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, “How long were you married?”

The guy replies, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asks, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy says, “Yes, about 10 times…but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to whom he
replies, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was
during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln Town Car for you to
drive.”

The third guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to
ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated
my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive” A
little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with
the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the
matter. When they asked him what was wrong he wearily said, “I just saw my wife
and she was on a skateboard!”

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The
farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and
loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex
with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud.

“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them’s honking the
horn.”

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She’s 5’10”, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, “It’s women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!”

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. ‘First,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.’ The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. ‘Well,’ said Mike, ‘you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.’

Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Look, I’ve got three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?”The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled ‘Viagra Extra Strength’ containing single wrapped packets. He says, “Take one of these and you’ll go crazy for 12 hours.”Crazy Mike replies, “Hell, gimme three”The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, “Well, how’d it go?” In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that’s black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.Crazy Mike says, “Gimme a tube of Ben Gay.”The pharmacist replies in horror. “You’re not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?”Mike replies, “Hell, no, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up.”

there were 4 people 1 girl 3 boys.there car broke down.so they went to the nerest house wich was a farm house. he says that the lady can sleep in his 1 spare bedroom and the men can sleep in his 3 barns.the 1st one sleeps with 18 cows the second one sleeps with his 18 pigs the third one sleeps with his 18 daughters in the barn.the next morning the first one walks out and says he feels like a cow. the second one walks out and says man i feel like a pig. the third one walks out and says man i fell like a golf ball. i have been in and out of 18 holes in one night.

lets go up stairs and fuck each other.shut up why . your my brother i dont care i wanna fuck someone ok i will suck your dick are you going to stick it in your vagina. maybye. this is fuckin great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Stork family sits down to dinner. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, ‘So how was your day dear?’ ‘Well’, he replied, ‘I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your day?’ She answers, ‘Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy.’ They both turn to junior Stork, ‘And how was your day?’, they asked. Junior Stork tells them, ‘I had a blast, I flew all over scaring the hell out of college students!’