Category: sex

A Girls Prayer

Lord

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong, One who’s willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask ‘How big’s my behind?’
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

Amen.

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do.”

Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests:

“It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”

Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of
dating them.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q: why are guys like vacuum cleaners?A: you turn them on, you plug them in, and they suck stuff out of your carpet.

“Don’t worry. I’ve had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.”
“I won’t come in your mouth, I promise.”
“I’m not really married.”
“It’s only a cold sore.”
“Looks aren’t important to me. I like you for your personality.”
“Size isn’t important.”
“This won’t hurt, I promise.”
“We don’t have to go all the way, we’ll just lie here and hold each other.”
“We’ll always be together.”
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Fornication: Term used by people who don’t have anybody to screw with.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason (corollary to the above )
If you can’t stand his mother and he can’t stand yours, then you’re bound to get married.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don’t trust him; it means he experiments.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love thy neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she’s tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa…
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once
in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with
the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished,
the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker
and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth
encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath
of fresh air, dives under the bed… and finds four Chinese men.

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”

The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”

“Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.

The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”

“Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”

His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

Veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and
a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went
happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an
elderly lady’s voice.

“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the
roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I
do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
“Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Should do,” said the vet, “- IT STOPPED ME!”

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.”

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.” Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.” Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.” Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, “Who are you?”

To which he replied, “Oh, I’m Cess”!

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a
local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto
the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and
hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro,
“Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife’s breasts”. The
man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf
pro says “Excellent!” Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball
goes 30 yards. Golfpro, “Not bad, try holding the club like you
hold your husbands dick.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golfpro, “Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth
and hit the ball.”