Category: sex

Santa came down the chimney one night and saw a pretty lady in a
teddy. She said, “Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho!
Gotta go, gotta go.” Then turned around and started filling the
stockings.

When he turned around again, she had removed her top. She said,
“Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go, gotta
go.” Then he turned around and started putting presents under
the tree.

Then he turned around again. The woman had removed her panties.
She said, “Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta
stay! Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with a woody!”

HA YOUR STUPID

This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot”, to which she replied “Do you know what size you are ?” and he said “no”.

The girl then said “OK drop your pants and I’ll tell you what size you are”, the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please”, he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way

Another male customer sees this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please”, the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.

Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says ” I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” and the girl replies “Do you know what size you are ?” and he says “Nope” and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone “Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!”

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom one night while they
are getting it on. The boy asks his father “What are you doing?”
The father replies “I’m playing poker.” The little boy then
asks, “What is mommy doing?” Dad says, “She’s my wild card.”
Without any more questions the little boy leaves the room.

The following night he stays with his grandparents. Once again,
he lets himself into the bedroom, where he sees them doing the
deed. He asks his grandpa “What are you doing?” Grandpa says
“I’m playing poker.” Confused, the little boy asks “And what is
grandma doing?” “She’s my wildcard.” Without any hesitation the
boy steps out of the room.

The next afternoon the boy gets caught by his dad in the
bathroom jacking off. His father asks him, “Son, what are you
doing?” He replies, “I’m playing poker.” With a startled look on
his face the father responds, “Where’s your wild card?” With a
smile on his face the boy turns to his father and says, “Why do
you need a wild card when you’ve got a good hand?”

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time, boys…..one at a time.

One day a little boy named Bobby walked in on his parents having
sex. “What are you doing?” asked Bobby.

“We’re playing poker and your mom’s the wild card,” replied the
father.

So Bobby walked out and went into his brother’s room and saw his
brother and his girlfriend having sex. “What are you doing?”
asked Bobby.

“We’re playing poker and she’s the wild card,” replied his
brother.

So Bobby walked out and went to his room. Later on Bobby’s
father walked in. “What are you doing!?!” yelled his father.

Bobby replied, “I’m playing poker!”

“But where is your wild card?” asked his father.

Bobby replied, “With a hand like this who needs a wild card.”

Why is sperm donations more EXPENSIVE than blood Donations?
Because its HANDMADE!!!

15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.

14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.

13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell “Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?”

12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.

11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park — *if* they let him drive.

10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.

9. He’s carrying a copy of “Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say.”

8. “You idiot! That’s not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard.”

7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.

6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, “And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?”

5. Swears she wouldn’t correct you about your breathing if you weren’t “doing it all wrong.”

4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.

3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother’s Day.

2. His TV remote has a PIN number.

1. She keeps telling you that even though you’re just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you’ll be President someday.

Tough Life being a Dick.

1: I hang around 2 nuts all day.
2: My nearest neighbor is an asshole.
3: My best friend is a pussy.
4: Everytime I get excited, I throw-up.

A Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: ‘My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?’ ‘I want number 69’ she replies. ‘You want the beef with broccoli?’

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She says: “Honey, how could you do this! All this time you’ve never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!”

The husband says: “OK, I’ll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.”

A Girls Prayer

Lord

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong, One who’s willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask ‘How big’s my behind?’
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

Amen.