Category: sex

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, ” Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!”

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in
Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, “It’s been a long
time now. I really need to have sex.”
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, “Go
to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a ‘lady of
joy’ and treat her to your manly pleasures.”
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see
Odin, and told him of the previous night’s events. “My
friend,” he said, grinning from ear to ear, “It was
wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..”
“37 times!” exclaimed Odin. “That poor woman! Mere
mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and
apologize this instant!”
So Thor went back down to earth and found the
aforementioned prostitute, saying. “I’m sorry about last
night, but you see, I’m Thor…”
“You’re Thor?” shouted the girl. “You’re Thor? What about
me? I’m tho thor I can hardly pith!”

A woman went into a pet store, saw a parrot, and asked to buy
it. The man at the counter said, “I don’t think you want that
one, it used to live in a whore house.” The woman replied, “I
don’t care I’ll take it.” She brought the parrot home and the
parrot said, “New house, new master.”

The woman’s daughter came home and the woman said, “I got us a
parrot.” The parrot said, “New house, new master, new whores.”

The woman’s husband came home and the woman said, “Honey I got
us a parrot.” The parrot said, “New house, new master, new
whores, hi George!”

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

50. (the obvious) “Ooooooo”
49. “That would work better the other way around. .”
48. Sniff. Sniff. “Is something burning?”
47. “Damn, that’s complicated.”
46. “Wait, wait, use my pillow.”
45. “Alright already, _I_came.”
44. “You guys need a value pak.”
43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say “Good show, old bean.”
42. “Is that sperm or a mudpack?”
41. “You’ve got something stuck in your teeth.”
40. “4 out of 5 dentists say that’s bad for your enamel.”
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don’t change positions.
38. “You know, they say that three’s a charm.”
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, “This is a citizen’s arrest,
assume the position.”
35. “Bring in the Gimp.”
34. “Hold that pose.”
33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.
32. Start signing Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
31. Sing “Shake your bootie.”
30. “A little to the left.”
29. “Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?”
28. “Is there room for two in there?”
27. “Two words: penis extension.”
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read 6. 9.
22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
21. “Maybe it would help if you. .”
20. “That’s what you call erect?”
19. “That reminds me of a joke I heard. .”
18. “Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!”
17. Hold up two bags and say, “Paper or plasic?”
16. Roll over, grunt and say, “I’d rather be fishing.”
15. “Use the Heimlich; she’s got something stuck in her throat.”
14. “May I cut in?”
13. “That’s illegal in Arkansas.”
12. “Holy whips and chains, Batman.”
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what’s wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like “Pack your wiener before you bean her” and “Wrap your packer before you wack her.”
8. “MMM- that looks good, I think I’ll try some, too.”
7. “Let’s make a sandwich.”
6. “Is that hard enough for you?”
5. “I’m going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?”
4. “I think you dropped something.”
3. “Do you like to eat at the Y?”
2. Pick up your camcorder and say “How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?”
1. “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??”

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”

Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

What do you call an upside-down stool at a gay bar?

A table for 4..

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil stopped in and joined him. It didn’t take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe’s shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.

Finally Phil couldn’t contain his curiosity, and asked, “What that string for?”

“Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda,” Joe explained, “and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn’t perform? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass.”

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
as the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband: “when you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going
through your mind?”
the husband replied: “all i wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck
your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “what are you thinking now?”
he replied: “it looks like i did a pretty good job.”

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, ”What are doing taking all your jammies off?” The wife replied, ”You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier”. The husband said, ”No, not at all.” The wife then asked,” Well, what were you doing then?” ”I couldn’t turn the pages of my book.”

Why do they make glow in the dark condoms? SO GAY GUYS CAN PLAY STAR WARS AT NIGHT

Do you like apples? Yes. Good me too. Wanna fuck?