Category: sex

There was an older brother and a younger brother sleeping in the same room. The older brother was on the top bunk and the younger brother was on the bottom bunk.

so one night the older brother brings his girl-friend over and they start doin it. So the guy says “Every time you want me to go harder yell lettuce and tomato” so all night she was saying lettuce and tomato lettuce and tomato. finally the younger brother wakes up and says “Quit makin sandwiches up there your getting mayonaise all over my face”!

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn’t take their eyes off of it.

One of the men just couldn’t bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage.

An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?” he shouted, “Wouldn’t you be? That big ape hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”

So this fella spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself,” she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting, why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “What’s your name?”

“Beerfuck!”

There was a lady who liked my ass

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains exite me
so pick me up and throw me down and show me how much you love me.

There was once a man who had created a machine that could
produce anything in the world. As he had just finished it, he
started to test it out for the first time.
He grabbed a little microphone, and then spoke into it “Whisky”
and out of the machine came a puddle of yellowish liquid. He
sniffed at the puddle, then realised his mistake.
He held the microphone up to his mouth and spoke again “Bottle
of whisky”. This time a bottle of whisky slid out of the machine.
The man clapped his head in delight. He rubbed his hand, and
then, with a greedy smirk, he said “Girl”. There was a puff of
smoke, and there before him, stood a naked girl.
He stared at her body, she had a flat chest, a freckled face,
and she was obvioulsy no more than eight yr old. He gasped, and
then he cursed the word “Hell”. A puff of smoke, and then the
house burst up in a flame.

***The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!***

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course
to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of,
alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

There was a guy who worked at a turky sperm bank.He went to a turky farm to collect sperm.
When he got there a turky came up to him and said,”goble goble,”the guy said”No fuck you dude, your getting a hand like everybody else!

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. “We’ll have to wait until we are married.” She told him. So he waited…They are engaged three years and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and announces, “I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don’t want our first time to be all bloody.” John exclaims, “You’re kidding!” Mary flatly informs him, “We’ll just have to wait a bit longer.”Mary goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. “There’s no use John,” she said. “You might as well go to sleep.” He responded quickly, “I would, except my dick’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes.”

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said “Clitoris licking frog available” Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying: “Please ring for service”

The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. “Bonjour madame”