Category: sex

Q: Whats the difference between a woman on the street with a red drink and a prostitute?

A: Ones got a cherry pop and the other has a popped cherry!

what is the difference in a light bulb and a pregnant lady? you can unscrew the light bulb

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.”Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.””Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied.”You can’t make a living on that.””Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”

Q Why did the condom fly across the room?

A Because it got really pissed off

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.

“Are you afraid he’ll spread lies about you?” I asked.

“I don’t mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I’ll break his neck,” she answered.

A hasband and a wife were on a honey moon and the hasband wanted his wife to give him a blowjob but she was very tired so she just turned a way.
Sometime later the husband felt a blowjob
and started moaning.his wife came out of the bathroom saying”whats the matter?”the husband said “what?!”5 seconds later his cat came out from under the blanket.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrent lilac bath oil10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and cut12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3:00 Nap 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 10:00 Hot shower (alone)10:30 Make love11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong armsTHE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blowjob 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Stoli bloody mary enroute to airport 8:15 DFW – Private G4 to Augusta, GA (java, Spt Illust’d and Wall St. Jrnl) 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens12:15 Blowjob12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under) 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini) 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap) 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew 4:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs) 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold) 7:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20oz. New York Steak 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar 9:30 Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race origin)11:00 Massage and jacuzzi11:45 Bed (alone)11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room11:55 Sleep

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, ” You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.””Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Monday morning little Johnny came to school with a black eye.
His friends ask him what happened. He tells them, “I was in church yesterday,
when a big fat lady sat in front of me.
When we got up to sing, I noticed she had huge wedgies. I couldn�t stand it
anymore, so I pulled it out, and she decked me”.
The following Monday, little Johnny came to school with 2 black eyes. His
friends once again asked what happened. He told them,”I was in church yesterday,
when the same fat lady came and sat in front of me. When we got up to sing, she
once again had the huge
wedgies. The guy next to me pulled it out, but I knew she didn�t like it out,
so I pushed it back in…”

twinkie condoms:hey wheres the cream filling?

What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea? Well, one shucks between fits.

What’s the difference between a nun and a fat lady? One’s tryin to diet, and the other’s dyin to try it…