Category: sex

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll
have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the
difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

A man and a women was in bed on a thursday night after a nice romantic dinner. They had sex for 43 minutes, The man says after shooting his load “that was good darling. Hefeel asleep.

A man needs a place to stay for the night so he goes up to a
farmer’s house and knocks on the door. The man opens and the guy
says he needs a place to stay for the night and the farmer says,
you can stay w/ my cows and takes him to the stable.

Another man comes to the farmer’s house and asks for a place to
sleep, so the farmer says, you can stay w/ my pigs and takes the
man to the pen.

A third man comes to the farmer’s house asking for a place to
stay the night and the farmer says, you can stay w/ my 18
daughters and shows him up the stairs into the bedroom.

The next day the farmer goes to wake the three men up. He goes
to the first guy and asks how he feels. He says, “Like a cow.”
The farmer goes to the second man and asks him how he feels, and
he says, “Like a pig.” The farmer then goes to the third man and
asks the same question. The man replies, “Like a golf ball
that’s just been through 18 holes.”

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

A man, his dog, his goat and their needed supplies are on a great ship. During a wicked storm lightning hits it and the boat sinks they wash up on shore, the man, the dog, the goat, and even the needed supplies.
The man then pops a boner, he looks at the dog, “Nah!”, says the man. looks at the goat, “Eh what the hell.”, and he tries to screw the goat. the dog bites his arm and gets him away from the goat for a few days.
A few days later he spots a woman on a boat in the middle of the ocean. He swims out there and saves her. Then he realizes, “God Damn shes hot!” She wakes up and says, “Thank you for saving my life, i will do anything you ask…ANYTHING!”
The Man Says, “You can hold that damn dog for a minute.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
“Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do
the following, your husband wills surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will
only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with
your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to
a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

�He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Q: What time is it when Michel Jaxon goes to sleep?

A: When the big hand is on the little hand!

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.

“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.”

“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

“Who the hell are you?!” the man asks.

“I’m from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”

The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says…
“Those little bastards!”

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

“First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.””Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.”Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.””Oh no you’re not.””Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.””Oh no you’re not.””Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.””Oh no you’re not.””And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the guy.”Oh yes you are!” said the girl.

World’s Worst Pick-up Lines…

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way right away.

I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I’ve seem to have lost mine.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue.

Guy: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Girl: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.