Category: sex

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, young lady…but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he
boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never
missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was
in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?” the doctor
queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must
have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for
trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge
called in duck number one and said, “What where you doing in the pond after
midnight?”

“I was blowing bubbles.” The judge then called in duck number two
and asked him the same question. “Judge, I was blowing bubbles.”

He then called in duck number three and said, “So let me quests � you were
blowing bubbles too?”

“No, I’m Bubbles.”

what do you do if a monkey falls in love.

you have more sex and no talk.

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him ‘this is all in your mind’, and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, ‘ I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.’ Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , ‘I can cure this’, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke …….. The witch doctor says ‘This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!’ The guy then asks the witch doctor ‘What happens when it’s over?’ The witch doctor says ‘all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!’ The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says ‘123’, and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says ‘What did you say ‘123’ for?

There was a family who lived on a farm. The mum got dirty so she
went in the bath. The little boy asked if he could go in with
her.
The mum said, “Only if you don’t look under the bubbles.”
The little boy agreed. But, of course, he looked under the
bubbles. And asked, ” Mummy, whats that?”
“There my headlights and thats my bush.” She replied.
Later, the dad got dirty so he went in the bath. The little
boy asked if he could go in with him.
The dad said, ” Only if
you don’t look under the bubbles.”
The little boy agreed. But once again, he looked under the
bubbles. And asked, “Daddy, whats that?”
“Thats my snake.” He replied.
Later that night the little boy had nightmares. So he went
into his parents bedroom. He was allowed to stay there, only if
he didn’t look under the covers. But he did. and said, “Quick
Mum, turn your headlights on there’s a snake in your bush!”

14. Jack Titanic

13. Willy Wanka

12. Delores Galores

11. Randy “The Groin from Des Moines” Mann

10. Analstasia

9. Nattily Wood

8. Chuck “Big Gun” Heston

7. Rosie Buttrash

6. me me cummings

5. Gonore’ de Balsac

4. Jock Full O’Nuts

3. Monty Fuller

2. Jennifer Love T’Dewitt

1. Stiffen King

Via phone call:Phil: By the way, man, I heard a new joke! What has a small dick and hangs down?Bob: Uh, I dunno… a bat?Phil: Good! Ok, now what has a big dick and hangs up?Bob: Uhm, I don’t know, I give up.*CLICK* bzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?

A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q: What do you call a girl that masturbates with a pickle?

A: A sour-puss