Category: sex

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked his girlfriend, ”If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all of your clothes?” She agreed and he began to speed up. When the speedometer reached 100 she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. ”Go get help,” he pleaded. She replied, ”I can’t, I’m naked.” Looking around, he pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, ”Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station down the road.” She took the shoe, covered herself between the legs, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, ”HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied with some astonishment, ”I think he’s too far in!

After 10 years of marriage, Sue was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Peter worked very long hours and was no longer interested in bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks, Sue visited a sex shop.”Hello,” said Sue. “Look, I’m very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn’t make love to me. You sell ‘Sex Dolls’ for men – I’m here because I’m interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know … one with a Dick – for me.”The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady – about 25 years old – with a 36 DD bust … And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.”Well Miss – or Madam.” He took another breath. “Frankly, we don’t get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room.”Hand on her chin, Sue looked him directly in the eye and smiled. “Don’t just stand there – tell me about them.””Well,” the man replied, “I’m sure you won’t like our first model. It’s called “The Soccer Player”. Don’t get me wrong; It’s very nice. Powerful legs … cute bum – But it does tend to ‘dribble’ a lot.”Sue wasn’t exactly delighted about this. “Well ….No. Not interested in that!” Sue whispered, “What else have you got?””Well, ” came the reply, “We also have the ‘Aussie Cricketer’ Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big… well huge, in the right places, but … “”Yes !?!” gulped Sue, with eyes like dinner plates.”Once it’s in – It’s almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we’ve only sold two of these in the last four years””Don’t want that,” said Sue. “You said you have three models. What’s left?””I hesitate to even talk about this,” said the shop assistant. “It’s called ‘The Santa Claus’ Model.””What d’Ya mean, “The Santa Claus’ model?” replied Sue”Well,” answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. “This model only comes once a year and …. when it does – it fills up both your stockings!”

One evening, an Indian walked into the old western town near the out skirts of his village. When he got to main street he headed straight for the whorehouse. When he got to the whorehouse he walked up to a woman there and he held out a small bag of gold and said, “me have money, me want woman.” She looked him up and down and said, “Boy, you need to know how to make love to a woman, before getting with one of my girls. Come back when you have some experience.” The Indian left and walked out of the town back to his village. The following day he went out to the woods and found a tree with a knothole in it, and had his way with the tree, and proceeded on with other trees late into the evening. The following evening, the Indian walked back into town with his sack of gold in one hand and a 2×4 piece of wood in the other. When he stepped inside the whorehouse, the same older woman greeted him… He then held out his bag of gold and proclaimed, “Me have money, me want woman, me have experience.” She then said, “Well then boy, I guess I can send you upstairs with one of my ladies now.” Right then a very beautiful woman walked around the corner, took him by the hand and walked him upstairs to a room. Once they were there, they both proceeded to take of each other’s clothes. As soon as the two of them were completely naked, the Indian then told the woman to turn around and bend over. She looked at him puzzled and then bent over as the Indian requestedThen the Indian WHAKED her on the ass with the 2×4.She screamed and jumped up and demanded. “What the hell was that for?”The Indian stated ” I was checking for bees!”

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her “yes, we do.
They’re right here behind the counter.”

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman, “is there something else I can help you with, Ma’am?”.

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says “no, thank you, son.
I’m just waiting here to see who buys them”.

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges,
so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, “Hello
ladies!”
Picture perfect
A husband said to his wife, “I will take a photo of your breasts and frame
it.”
The wife said to her husband, “I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge
it.”
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found
a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went
first and he said,� I wish to be the only male bear in this forest.” And he got
his wish.
The rabbit said, “I want a motorcycle helmet.” And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, “I wish to be the only male bear in the United
States, and all the rest to be female.” And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, “I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet.” And he
got his wish.
The bear said, “I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest
were females.” And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit’s turn, and he said, “I wish that bear was gay.”

One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.

Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it”.

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.

Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it”

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”

So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that!?!”

The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

“I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?”
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Piddles’
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven.”

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this
morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it
hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy”.

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you’re undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, No love.
26. Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
28. Even though you’re tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.

Sue yelled �you impatient fucker! You lying son of a��

Bob stopped her and said, �I�m a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?�

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most
gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman’s
beauty and comments about her to his mates.

“Yeah, she is pretty good.” his mate replies, “Pity she’s a man.”

The man is shocked, “No way!”

“No, it’s true. A friend of mine knows her personally.”

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man.
But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going
to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the “woman” and strikes up a converstaion. They hit
it off really well. And the man is loving it because this woman is even
better looking up close. Before long the man suggests that he drives them
out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

They drive to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the
car. They continue the “clothes on” making out for a while, until the
woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call
of nature.

“This is my chance,” thinks the man, “I’ll follow her and find out what
sex she is.” So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is
seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling
between her legs.

“Damn! She’s got a dick!” he thinks, “She’s a man.” The man is outraged
and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

“Oh my gosh!” The woman cries, “I didn’t know you were following me!”

“And I didn’t know you were taking a shit!” The man replies.

How do you make a female do an impersination of a dolphin? While your doing her from behind, you pull it out of her pussy and try to stick it into her ass and she will say
uhuh, uhuh, uhuh!

What’s the difference between a Catholic Church and a gay church?Every other person is kneeling.Why do Canadians do it doggy style?So they can both watch the hockey game.What did they call the gay Indian.Brave Sucker