Category: sex

A veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. ”Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice. ”Yes, it is,” replied the vet, ”Is this an emergency?” ”Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, ”there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?” There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, ”Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.” ”Really?” said the elderly lady, ”Will that stop them?” ”It should,” said the vet, ”it stopped ME!”

… a Food cooking show with a one female cannodate ready to taste the goods…

The first guy takes 20 minutes to prepare and 30 minutes to cook
The second guy takes 15 minutes to prepare and 35 minutes to cook…
The third guy takes 1 minute to prepare and doesnt bother cooking…

Now for the taste test

the first guy comes out and opens the dish, there are many potatoes filled with cheese… “Yummy”
the second guy comes out with a chicken brest and soup “Delicious!!!”
the third guy comes out with a piece of brocolli “Thats it?” … the guy replies… “Yeah but it tingles on the way down”

WHATS 5 + 46 + 6 =
A; A three sum way micheal jackson

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering – have you ever cheated on me?”Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…””Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…””Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…””Three? Well, when were they?” he asked. “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?””Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?””Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how our old doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?””I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?””Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

there was a young woman from ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
she layed on her back
opened her crack
and pissed all over the celing…

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

………..PRICELESS!

A Pacific cruise liner sinks leaving only 3 survivors David, Darren and Daisy. They swim to a small island where they live for a couple of years doing what comes naturally, but, Daisy feels so guilty about having sex with both men, she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren but they get over it and agian nature takes its course.
After a couple more years the the lads feel really bad about what they are doing so they bury her.

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot.” he
said. “An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,”
he called out. “Matt is riding a cool bike and the Coopers are
having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled
father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

An American, a German, and a Scotsman are on a road trip together. They have been on the road for several weeks and thus were getting a little itchy for some loving. They come across a sheep caught in a fence with it’s rear end sticking into the air.Says the American, “I wish that sheep was Cindy Crawford.”The German says, “I wish that sheep was Heidi Klum.”The Scotsman say, “Shit, I just wish it was dark.”

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked his girlfriend, ”If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all of your clothes?” She agreed and he began to speed up. When the speedometer reached 100 she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. ”Go get help,” he pleaded. She replied, ”I can’t, I’m naked.” Looking around, he pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, ”Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station down the road.” She took the shoe, covered herself between the legs, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, ”HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied with some astonishment, ”I think he’s too far in!