Category: sex

One day johnny walked across a public park and saw two teenagers
having sex on the bench.
He asked his mother what they were upto and she hurriedly
replied, “they`re making cakes”
Puzzeled little johnny walked on.
Later at the zoo he saw two monkeys having sex.
again he asked his mother what they were upto and she said “they
are making cakes”
Still puzzelled johnny walked on.

A day later johnny went upto his mother and asked whether she
and his father were making cakes on the living room couch at
night,embarrased the mother asked ,”why”
And little johnny replied, “aw nothing you just left some icing
on the couch”!!!

One night a guy is sitting at a bar and keeps glancing at his
watch. A hot blonde girl walks up and sits at the bar. She
says,”Is your watch broken?” he replies,”No, it’s a
state-of-the-art watch that uses brain waves to talk to me
telepathicly. Right now its telling me your not wearing any
panties.” The girl giggled.”Your watch must be broken, because I
am wearing panties right now.”she says.”Shit!”he says,”It must
be an hour fast.”

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmm …. about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter:(and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway.. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

1. you don’t have to look your best

2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

ONE DAY A MAN WENT INTO A TATTOO PARLOR HE SAID HE WANTED A 100 BILL TATTOOED ON HIS DICK AFTER THE ARTIST FINISHED SHE ASKED HIM Y HE WANTED IT THERE HE TOLD HER
WELL I LIKE TO WATCH MY MONEY GROW
I LIKE TO PLAY WITH MY MONEY
AND MY WIFE LIKES TO BLOW MY MONEY
SO SHE CAN DO IT AT HOME

‘A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, ‘You aren’t that good in bed either!’ By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. ‘What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?’ ‘I was in bed.’ ‘What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?’ ‘Getting a second opinion.”

How do you make a woman scream twice?
shag her up the arse then wipe your knob on the curtains.

sex is like a petrol station, sometimes you get full service, sometimes its out of service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service.

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day. Why don’t you just swim around like us? Bob replied, with a smirk, well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there”. The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t.So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “back up boys its a BLOW JOB!”

2 children were sitting in sunday school and listening to the teacher the girl fell asleep and the boy un-bent a paperclip the teacher asked “Who created the Earth?” then the little boy poked the sleeping girl with the paper clip and the girl shouted “OH MY GOD!!!” and fell back asleep. and the teacher said “That is correct!” Then a little while later the teacher asked “Who died for all our sins?” and the little boy poked the sleeping girl again and she screamed “JESUS CHRIST!!!” then she fell back asleep and the teacher said “Thats correct” then a little while later the teacher asked “After Adam and Eve had their 23rd child what did Eve say to Adam?” then the boy poked the sleeping girl and she shouted “If you poke that in me one more time im going to brake it in half!!!” and the teacher said “Thats correct!!!”

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.”Don’t be alarmed,” she said, “I’m a nudist.”Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. “How many children do you have?” he asked.”Eighteen,” The lady replied.”Lady,” he gasped, “you’re not a nudist — you just don’t have time to get dressed!”

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, “When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”

“Hmmm…that’s an interesting optical reaction to sex,” said the researcher.
“Would you mind if I had a look at it?”

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!