Category: sex

A man is desperate for sex he goes into th street and shouts out loud.
Ive got 3 prizes to be sold for the best price in town, the price cost is one fuck every day for a year.
so one man wants 3 bed so he asks for it and they fuck all nite lomg

Confucious say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet
high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for
boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into
money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart
in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get
caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball
wrong–man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get
good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with
smelly finger. Learn to masturbate–come in handy. Woman who pounce
on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must
pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the
family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her–how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in
the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I
will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her
again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in
a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the
mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw
himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

“I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as
she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not
THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to
perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know
that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

A catholic teacher asks her students to answer the question
“When you die what part of your body goes to Heaven first?”
One student replied “I think it is the heart”. “Why?”, asks the
teacher. “Well”, replied the student, “because we keep Jesus
and God in our hearts.”
Another student replied “I think that the brain goes to Heaven
first.”
Again the teacher asked for an explanation. The student replied
“Because we think about Jesus and God with our brain.”
Little Tommy, the troublemaker in the class, said “Well I think
that when you die your feet go to Heaven first.”
The teacher angrily asked “Tommy, why in the world would you say
such a thing?”
Tommy replied, “Because last night I was on my way to the
bathroom when I heard noises coming from my parents’ bedroom.
So I crept to the door and looked in; my dad was on top of my
mom and her feet were up in the air and she was screaming “Oh
God I’m coming!”

i was putting it in ……
asked to push…..
for easy i asked oil …..
but he gave me paste ( super glue)

What do you get when a stick and a table have sex?
A wooden table

Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?

7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.

6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.

7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the sh*t end of the stick in flavor country.

10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth

11. Play with the balls

12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

15. Make hay when the sun shines. it’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

“Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!”

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do
you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?

“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they
got to second base!”

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base?
Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.
What’s a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using
baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face
it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of
sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex
metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and
with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide
to the Bases.

First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old
days.

First Base: This was almost always kissing, although one guy I
knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base: Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast
feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or
your partner.

Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

That system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the
exact definitions? We have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado… The Standardized
Guide to the Bases!

On Deck: Having plans for a date.

Strike-Out: Duh!!

Walk: Kissing.

Bunt: Masturbation.

Single: Tongue kissing.

Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels.

Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation.

Inside the park home run: Oral Sex.

Home Run: SEX!

Ground Rule Double: would have sex, but no condom.

Error: Condom breaks during sex.

Banned for life for gambling: sex without a condom.

Hall of Fame: Marriage.

Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

Balk: Premature ejaculation.

Pine Tar: KY jelly.

Relief pitcher: Vibrator.

Rain Delay: parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.

Box Seats: Waterbed.

Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions.

Rookie: Virgin.

Minor Leagues: Under 18.

Loaded Bases: manage a trois.

Grand Slam: Sex three times in twelve hours.

Foul tip: VD.

Three up and three down: impotency.

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY: we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY: first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time. NEW
WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a
relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the
confusion and helps you out.

How to get laid: (for all you boys and gurls who cant get none
1. Dont be gay (boys)
2.be lesbian
3.Always have condoms on hand (gurls and Boys)
4.Support alchohol (gurls and boys)
5.Look up gurls skirts (guys)
6.Grab guys asses (gurls
7.Be a slut (gurls)

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one
day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly
turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?”
“I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three
days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title
the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is
an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
“What’s so funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more
severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”