Category: sex

Everynight I have been drinking lately, I have wound up drinking so much I end up blowing chunks….I need to lock that poor dog up before I start drinking next time!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her,”There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?””Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.””That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.””Not if you’re going to watch TV, there aren’t,” she replied.

As twins were getting married, on the same day, they couldn’t
find a place for their hunny moon. So they asked their mom
where they should go. The mom said they should stay at her
house for a few days. SO, the first night went by and the mom
went up to the doors and said to the first girl, “hunny are you
in there?” The gurl replied, “Yes!” The mom went to the second
grls door and said, “Hunny are you in there?” She replied “OOH
YESS!” So the next night she went to the rooms and said to the
first grl “Hunny are you in there?” She replied “OH YES OH YES”
The mom went to the second grl and said “HUNNY are you in
there?” There was no answer and so the mom asked in the
morning.. “Why didn’t you answer me last night?” The grl
replied, “Mom, you told me never to talk w/ my mouth full!”
HaHa* Rate My Joke!*

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”

He says “They’re making love.”

“Well, what’s that long thing his sticking in there?” She asks.

“Oh, uh, that’s his rope” he answered.

“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asks.

He says “Those are his knots”

She says, “Oh, Ok I got it.”

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they’re getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”

Q. How many mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. 2, the trick is getting them IN there.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, “Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that’s come
off of me fly? I canna button me pants. “

“Oh Angus … I’ve got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.”

About 5 minutes later there’s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose
comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, “My god,
what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?”

“Aye,” says Angus. “I asked her to sew on the wee button an she
did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in… “

THE SECRET TO OLD AGE A woman celebrates her 90th birthday with a huge gala in the village. Everybody is there – the mayor, the police chief… and a reporter from the local newspaper. The reporter asks, for the record, to what does she ascribe such a long life? She tells about a great many things, including the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day. Looking him level in they eye, she says evenly: ‘Never forget a healty and active sex life keeps your circulation going.’ The reporter is rather curious at such a declaration , and asks deferentially: ‘So when was the last time you made love, Mam ?’ ‘Well, let me think – made love – the last time I did that was around 1945.’ ‘Whoah,’ he says, ‘that’s a helluva long time ago!’ ‘You think so ?’ the woman replies and checks her watch. ‘But it’s only 20:15 now, barely half an hour later.’

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and
then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as
to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?”

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says, “Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me
here to have anal sex with you.”

They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!” He replies, “OK,
let’s check!” He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of
them?”

The father shouts back, “Yes, both of them!”

“Darling,” murmured the girl to her boyfriend, “when did you first realize that you were in love with me?”

“Well, I suppose..” whispered the man tenderly, “it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.”

If your favorite color is:

RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!

YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don’t panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner’s desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.

PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else’s gratification.

BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.

GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity – but because they secretly hate men.

A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.

ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner’s hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing.

BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can’t say “I Love You” often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can’t get excited about anything – including colors – so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It’s wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Women who prefer Gray don’t make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color’s infidelity a blessing.

BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate – never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.

WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.

A pour man and his kid share a bunk bed, one night the man comes into bed with a women the kid is asleep, the pour man says say lettuce if you want it harder say tomato if you want it faster, the women says tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce, the kid wakes up and says dad stop making butties the mayonaise is going in my mouth.