Yours Fun Portal !
3 nuns went to a chips shop and the first nun asked can i have some chips with some sauce, the second nun asked the same as the first nun but asked for no ketchup all the nuns put the chips under there vagina and went home.
when they got home the third nun looked at hir chips and said “hey i didnt ask for any ketchup and why is it all watery””
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“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.
“I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.”
The cucumber said that when he gets big fat and juicy that they cut him up and toss him into salads.
The pickle said that when he gets big fat and juicy that he gets sliced up and put into jars and they sell him.
The dick said that when he gets big fat and juicy that they put a rubber on his head and put him into a dark room and bangs his head into walls until he throws up and passes out!!
The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation
for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation
agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the
minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several
years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the
increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the
minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted “Having children is an
Act of God!”
An older man in the back stood and shouted back “So is rain and snow, but we
wearing rubbers for them!”
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn’t make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Cindy said she was game and a very vigorous sexual relationship began. Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy and said, ‘I’m having this problem. It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.’ Cindy said, ‘Okay.’ The guy said, ‘Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?’ Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, ‘Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil.’ The guy then said, ‘Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a moustache on you?’ Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, ‘Okay.’ Then the guy said, ‘Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man.’ Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says, ‘Well I guess so.’ Then the guy says to Cindy, ‘Do you mind if I call you Fred?’ Cindy, very dejected, says, ‘I guess not.’ So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, ‘Fred, you won’t believe who I’ve been sleeping with these past four months!’
1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
22. When you get haemorrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.
A guy walks into a bar … once inside, he realizes it’s a gay bar, but he decides, ‘What the heck, I really want a drink.’So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, ‘What’s the name of your penis?’The guy says, ‘Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.’The gay bartender says, ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, ‘Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?’ The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, ‘TIMEX.’The guy asks, ‘Why Timex?’ The fella proudly replies, ‘Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!’A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, ‘So, what do you call your penis?’ The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, ‘FORD, because quality is Job 1’, he then ads, ‘Have you driven a Ford lately?’Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, ‘The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.’The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ‘Why secret?’The guy says, ‘because it’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman!’
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks
at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says,
“Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room
for a little while.”
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and
sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a
few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes
him up to peek into the bedroom. “Before you look in there,” he
says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts
just for sucking our thumbs.”
There’s a little boy. He goes up into his brothers room and his
brother is listenin to a CD and the CD says I’m gonna cut off
your boobs and your balls. And the little boy asked what are
boobs and balls? And the brother says it means hats and coats.
Then the boy goes down to his dad where his dad is shaving.
And his dad cuts him self with the razer blade. And yells SHIT.
The boy asked what does that mean. And the dad says it means
shaving.
So then the boy goes to his mom where she is cutting the
turkey. And she cuts her self with a knife. And she yells FUCK.
and the boy asked what does that mean. The mom answers cutting
the turkey.
So then the door bell rings and the little boy goes over to
the door and answers it. And he says may I take your boobs and
balls. Then the people at the door say where are your parents
young man? Then the boy says dad is in the back shitting while
Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, ”What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, ”Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.” And she, in amazement, asked, ”Is that all we have left?”
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”