Category: sex

Q. what’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
a. a bandleader f**** his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q. What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the
factory?
A. Two test tickles.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.Finally he asked, ”Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?””Well, yes, I did once.””Well, how did she look?””Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!”At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, ”Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?””She was watching us through the window.”

One day a bus driver was driving down the street when a he picked up a nun. He started driving when the nun started bawling her eyes out. “What’s wrong” the bus driver. “Oh its just that I’m a 95 year old woman who’s about to die and I’ve never been laid.” “Gee I wish there was something I could do” said the bus driver. “Well as a matter of fact” said the nun “You could fuck me, but could you screw me in my ass so I’ll be remembered as a virgin.” So the bus driver started fucking her. “I have a confession to make” said the driver, “I’m a thirty-five year old man with a wife and kids” “I have a confession to make too,” said the nun, “I’m a thirty-five year old man going to a costume party.”-Andrew K-B

One man walking down the street hoping to make a woman pregnant he have been doing sex to all the woman in the city but no woman pregnant so he went to the doctor and have a check up at last he found out that……..

He have no sperms

Why did the guy need two hands to masterbate?
One for the magnifying Glass and one for the tweezers!

Confucius Says:

Whore who sits on judges lap gets honorable discharge

There was once a girl called Shagerarder. Her mother needed to
go shopping so she left shagerarder on her own for a while.
While Shagerarder’s mother was gone the postman came and knocked
on the door. Shagerarder answered at once and the postman said,
“hello there, i’ve come to drop off this package.” Shagerarder
took the package and said, “thankyou, please, come in.”
“No, i can’t,” replied the postman, “i’ve gotta go.”
“i’ll tell my mummy.” she said. The postman thought for a moment
and then said, “oh ok then. If you insist.” He went inside and
had a cup of tea. When he’d finished he said, “im sorry, but ive
really gotta go now”
“No.” said Shagerarder, “don’t you want to come and look around
upstairs?”
“I can’t. I’ve gotta go, sorry.”
“I’ll tell my mummy.” said Shagerarder.
“Ok then,” said the postman

When they’d finished looking around upstairs Shagerarder said,
“do you want to go in my bedroom?”
“I can’t.” replied the postman, “sorry but i’ve really, really
gotta go now.”
“I’ll tell my mummy…”
“Oh ok then,”

While Shagerarder and the postman were upstairs Shagerarder’s
mother returned home from the shops and began to yell,
“Shagerarder?!! Shagerarder?!!” but the only reply she received
was from the postman, screaming, “i’m tryin’, i’m tryin’!”

16> Weenieschnitzel

15> Ding-Dongs

14> Buffalo Wangs

13> Chicken Marphallus

12> Shish-ka-bobbitt

11> Mansmeat Pie

10> Wangers and Mash

9> Standing Ribbed Roast (for her pleasure)

8> Beef Swellington

7> Rocky Mountain Sausage

6> Beans ‘n’ Frank’s Frank

5> Veal Scallopeepee

4> Host-less Twinkie

3> Spotted Dick (a vas diferens from the traditional British version)

2> Rootie Tootie Fresh-Cut Woody

1> Tool House Cookies

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A man goes to the doctors and says “Doc, you gotta help me!”

The doctor says “What’s your problem?”

The guy says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”.. give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking… For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw……”

“Well” said the doctor. “What’s your problem?”

The guy says “Well, it hurts when I masturbate.”

16> Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

15> Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

14> Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

13> Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

12> Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

11> The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

10> Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

9> Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

8> You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

7> Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

6> Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

5> Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

4> “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

3> Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

2> Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

1> Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Once upon a time, a few years before all those nasty divorces, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of England and Lady Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leaped out of the bushes and stopped the car.’Give us the money’ they shouted at the Queen.’But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money, thus I never carry any.”Oh, blimey’, said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Lady Di.’Give us yer jewels.”But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.’The armed robbers looked fed up when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. ‘Quick, out of the car. We’ll have the Range Rover at least’, and with that the robbers drove off.As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen, and asks: ‘So, what did you do to all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”Ah,’ said the Queen, ‘I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have. Reaching under her skirt, she produced several thousand pounds in notes.’And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelery, my dear’ the Queen says to Di.’Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.’ Reaching down, she plucks out her jewelery.They both smile, knowingly at each other. After sitting quietly for a few moments, the Queen turned to Di, and with all the grace and dignity one should expect of the Queen of the British Empire, said: says ‘You know, if Fergie had been with us, we would still have that Range Rover.’