Category: sex

a great dane and an alsation are with their masters in the waiting room at the local vets.
the great dane decides to strike up a conversation and ask the alsation what he’s in for.
well said the alsation,its a long story but it goes something like this-i was napping on the landing when the masters wife came out of the bathroom,stark naked and dripping wet,she bent over to pick a towel up and i could’nt resist,i was up there like a shot,fucking her like she’d never been fucked before,so the masters bought me in to be put down,what about you?

A little girl named Mary is called Virgin Mary by her mother. This is a skit.Virgin Mary: Mom, can I go play over Jonny’s house?Mother: Sure honey, but be back before dinnertime. ( Mary Leaves ) Dinnertime Rolls Around, and Mary Calls her mother from Jonny’s house. Virgin Mary: (on the phone) Mom, Hey. It’s Virgin Mary. Can I eat at Jonny’s house?Mother: Sure honey, but be back before bedtime. Bedtime Rolls around and mary calls her mom. Virgin Mary: Mom, It’s Virgin Mary.Can I sleep over at Jonnys house?Mother: Sure honey, but be back before breakfast. Virgin Mary sleeps over, and breakfast rolls around. Mary calls her mother from Jonny’s house.Virgin Mary: Hi mom, It’s Mary. Can I eat breakfast at Jonny’s house????????

Two twins tlking in their mothers womb
Twin 1: Oh look here comes daddy but hes early
Twin 2:That isnt daddy, daddy dousnt wear a raincoat.

One day, a 12 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a
dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to
the madam, “I wanna woman.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, “but we don’t let boys your age have a
woman.” The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the
counter and says, “I wanna woman!” So the madam asks him what
kind of woman he wants.

“A skanky one,” he replies. “I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis,
crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place.”

Offended, the madam says, “We don’t have women like that here.”
So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a
room down the hall and says “last door on the right.”

The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string,
and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and
then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as
he’s getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks
why on earth he would want someone so nasty.

“Well, it’s like this,” he says, “I’m gonna go home about seven
o’clock tonight, and I’m gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then
when mom and dad come home about nine o’ clock, dad’s gonna take
the babysitter home, and he’s gonna screw her. Then dad’s gonna
come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they’ll
screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman
will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. Now here’s where
it all comes down you see!! I’m gonna really get him, because
the milkman is the one that killed my damn frog!!”

It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks – usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.

A few months ago, (Jul 05, Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy.

As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Oral sex, oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession. ‘Mother,
today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and
told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the
key to Heaven and put it in the gates.”Why that lying!’ the Mother Superior
screamed. ‘For years he has toldme it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I’ve been
blowing it!’

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I??

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own . . . . . . . toothbrush. What were you thinking you pervert?

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy.

“Can I help you?” the madam asked

“I want Natalie,” said the old man.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else���?”

“No, I must see Natalie,” said the man.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her 10 $100 bills. The two went up to her room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts � it was still $1000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no-one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man, “No-one has ever used my services three nights in a row � where are you from?”

The old man replied, “I am from a little town called Minsk”.

“Really?” replied Natalie. “I have a sister who lives there”.

“Yes, I know”, said the old man. “She gave me $3000 to give to you”.

A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their
honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule
to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would
go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for
months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three
germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I’m going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don’t
think the antibiotics will find me there.”

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don’t think
they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out
tonight, I’m goanna be on it!”

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to
religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our
jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on
the fire truck ready to go.

“From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I
want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all
night.” The next night he came home from work and yelled, “BELL 1!” The wife
promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled “BELL 2!”, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled “BELL 3!”,
they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!” “What the
hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband?

“ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,” she replied, “YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.”