Category: sex

Use these on …ME… 🙂 or anyone else…

1. nice shoes, wanna fuck?

2. if my left leg was christmas and my right leg was
thanksgiving, would you visit in between the holidays?

3. do you work for u.p.s. cause i can see you checking out my
package.

4. how do you like your eggs in the morning?

5. do you have a mirror in your pocket cause i can see myself in
your pants.

6. Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?

7. Just approach the woman, don’t say anything and read the tag
on the collar of her shirt. When she asks what you are doing,
just say “I’m checking to see if you’re made in heaven.”

8. Nice legs what time do they open!!

9. If you were a tear in my eye… I’d never cry, for fear that
I’d lose you!

10.(Look into her eyes and say) Heaven needs to check their list
because they have to be missing an angel.

11. “You look like my first wife.” When they say, ‘how many
times have you been married’, you say, ” None yet ”

12.Walk up to a girl and start rubbing her back When she asks
what you are doing, answer, kind of disappointed: I thought
angels had wings.

13.Is your daddy a thief? (Why?) Because he stole the stars from
the sky and put them in your eyes.

14. Do you believe in love at first site, or do I have to walk
by again?

15. Would you like to dance? [she says “no”] No, you must have
misunderstood me, I SAID, you look fat in those pants!

17. Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a Blow Job?
[No] What are you doing for lunch tomorrow?

18. God must be crying right now. [Why?] Because he just lost an
angel.

20. Have you ever been kissed on the navel? [Yes!] From the
inside?

21. If I followed you home would you keep me?

22. Hi there, do you live on a chicken farm? ‘Cause you sure
know how to raise cocks!

Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How did the light get to have sex?

Who gives a shit! Fuck off!

A man walks into the bar with his wife. After a few drinks, he goes and uses the pisser. as soon as he wlked in their, a man walked up and said to her,

“man babby you got some nice tits i want tosuck on them”

the women looking horified looked at him and said

“are you talking to me”? The man then said

“man babby you got a nice ass, i want to lick that shit”.

the women says

“my husband is in the bathroom and he is going to kick your ass”.

the man says

“man babby you got a nice pussy i want to tip you over and drink beer from that shit”

The women gets up ready to slap the man. as soon as he sees her husband walking up the man takes off. Her husband asks,

“whats wrong hunny”?

the women replies,

“Youll never believe it, this man just came up and said that he wanted to suck on my titties”

The man looks around and says,

“where is this guy”

The women said,

“thats not all he said he wanted to lick my ass”.

The man rolls up his sleeves and says,

“where is this guy, im going to kick his ass”.

The women said,

Thats not all he said,

“he wanted to tip me over and drink beer from my pussy.

The man looks around rolls down his sleeves and sits down. The women asks,

“Whats worng hunny? Arnt you going to kick his ass”?

The man replies,

“hell no, im not messing with any man that can drink that much beer”

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings’ events. The woman says, “You are a terrible lover!”

The man replies, “How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!”

Proper dosage of VIAGRA:With new girl-no need.
With old girl,half tablet.
With mistress,one tablet.
With wife,2 tablets+blue film+beer+rum+will-power.

A man is sitting at a bar and sees this beautiful woman on the arm of some drunk. He talks with the bartender and finds out that she is a prostitute.He walks over to her and says ” Is it true that your a prostitute?” She replies “Yeah what can I do for you big boy?” He thinks a second and finally asks her what she charges. She replies “$100 for a hand job.” “Are you crazy?” he responds. She walks the man over to the window, “see that Ferrari out there? I own that car. Trust me you wont leave unsatisfied.” So he takes her to his apartment, gives her the money and they get down to business. The next day he sees her at the bar again. He walks over to her and says, “Last night was great.” “You think that was great,” she replies” wait tell you have one of my blow jobs.” “How much?” the man asks “$500.””What?! Are you on crack?” he yells.She once again take him over to the window “See that building? I own that building. Trust me I give good blow jobs.” So he takes her to his apartment, pays up and gets the best blow job of his life. A couple nights later he sees her at the bar again. He asks her how much he needs to pay to go all the way. She say calmly “$2000” The man totally freaks out “$2,000 for sex?! I am not that desperate.” She pulls him outside, “Look out in the distance, see that island?” The man, in awe answers the question ” yeah…” “Well…” the prostitute starts, “Had I been a woman I would have owned that island too.”

1. How Dogs and Men Are the SameBoth take up too much space on the bed.Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.Both are threatened by their own kind.Both mark their territory.Both are bad at asking you questions.Neither tells you what’s bothering them.The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.Neither does any dishes.Both fart shamelessly.Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.Both like dominance games.Both are suspicious of the postman.Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.Neither understands what you see in cats.2. How Dogs Are Better Than MenDogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.Dogs miss you when you’re gone.Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.Dogs don’t criticize your friends.Dogs admit when they’re jealous.Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.Dogs don’t laugh at how you throw.Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.You can train a dog.Dogs are easy to buy for.You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)Dogs understand what no means.Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger ownerDogs admit it when they’re lost.Dogs are colorblind.Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.Dogs mean it when they kiss you.3. Where Dogs Fall DownMen only have two feet that track in mud.Men can buy you presents.Men don’t have to play with every man they see when you take them aroundthe block. Men are a little bit more subtle.Men don’t eat turds on the sly.Dogs have dog breath all the time.Men can do math stuff. But then, who really needs a man to do math?Men don’t shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.It’s fun to dry off a wet man.And the reverse—–4. WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN…..* Dogs don’t ask what are you thinking.* Dogs don’t cry.* Dogs love it when your friends come over.* Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.* Dogs think you sing great.* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.* Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.* The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.* Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.* Dogs are excited by rough play.* Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.* Dogs love red meat.* Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.* Anyone can get a good-looking dog.* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.* Dogs don’t shop.* Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.* A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.* Dogs never need to examine the relationship.* A dog’s parents never visit.* Dogs love long car trips.* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.* Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.”Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.”I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.”Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.”Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.””And so?” asked the first flea.”And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

Eleven Important Men In A Woman’s LifeHer Doctor, he says: “Take your clothes off.”Her Dentist, he says: “Open wide.”Her Veterinarian, he says: “And how is your little pussy doing today?”Her Gardener, he says: “Do you want me to mulch your bush?”Her Hairdresser, he says: “Do you want it teased or blown?”Her Remodeler, he says: “It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.”Her Milkman, he says: “Do you want it in front or in back?”Her Banker, he says: “If you take it out: you’ll lose interest.”Her TV repairman, he says: “Let me play with your knobs first.”Her Butcher, he says: “I have a hard salami for you!”Her Interior Decorator, he says: “You’ll like it once it’s in.”

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and one man (their chief), kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber. The chief said to the first one “What is your job?” He said “I’m a fireman.” The chief said “His penis…..BURN IT OFF!” So they did and let the first one go. The chief said to the second on “What is your job?” He said “I’m a policeman.” The chief said, “His penis…..SHOOT IT OFF!” So they did an let him go, too. Then he said to the third one “What is your job?” The third one laughed and said “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says, ‘Philippe, kiss me!’Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.’What are you doing, Philippe?’ says the startled Marie.’I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!’She smiles and they start kissing.When things began to heat up little, Marie says, ‘Philippe, kiss me lower.’Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.’Philippe! What are you doing?’ asks the bewildered Marie.’I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!’They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Philippe, kiss me lower!’Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, ‘PHILIPPE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?’Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says, ‘I am Philippe the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!’