Category: sex

There’s the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, ‘I’ll give $20,000 to any woman here who’ll come into the desert with me and do it MY way.’ One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him ‘Just what is your way?’ ‘On credit.’

Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

A guy was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader’s table.The mysterious old woman said, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”He readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.””That’s true,” he said.”Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?””Yes,” he shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?””Love line? No, from the calluses.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

“Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?” says the bartender.

“Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!”

“Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.”
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?”

“I told her I’ve had enough and I want a divorce!”

“Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?”

“Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said…
…BAD DOG!”

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says:
“Mommy what’s that?” as he pointed down to her.
“Well, that’s Mommy’s washcloth.”

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:
“Mommy what happened to your washcloth?”
“Uh, Mommy lost it.” So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says:
“Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy’s face with it!”

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the “wild thing”, so they decide to just refer to it as “washing the clothes”. One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn’t want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, “Let’s go wash the clothes”. Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they’re entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won’t give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he’s upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they’d have if they COULD “wash the clothes”. Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she’ll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

“Tell her it’s ok,” says John. “I already did them by hand.”

lick it

there was 2 kids who were young and were curious about sex they were best frineds so they decided to try it on eachother.

They got so mny things to mke it good. well he went n his freezer and got the ice pops called lick it.

during sex he used one like a dick and she screamed omg what is that?

he yelled back a lick it.

well the mothere walked in and heard lick it lick it lickit!!!!

she figured it was just them asking for more pops.

she heard lata on lick it harder lck it harder and she thought oh it must me a new kind.

ok, so a guy says to a girl:

“Wanna play Pearl Harbor? That’s where I lie back as you blow
the hell out of me.”

This newfy comes to america and never had sex before. His friend in newfoundland told him if he wanted to learn about sex to go see the hookers in america they would teach him sex.
so the newfy found a hooker and asked her:
(newfy)-i never had sex before and i was told to see you to learn!
(hooker)-yes well we will start with a 69!
(newfy)-ok sure!!!
So they get into position and the newfy is not to sure about what he should be doing?
so he putts one hand on her ass!and the hooker let`s a big fart go!!
(hooker) oop`s sorry about that are you ok?
(newfy making a weird face)- yeah sure!
So the newfy putts the other hand on her ass and she let`s an even bigger fart out !
(hooker)- sorry are you ok ?
(newfy gasping for air)yeah i`ll be ok thanks!
So the newfy putts both his hands on her ass and the hooker let`s a big juicy stinky fart and say`s:
(hooker)-i`m really really sorry about that!!!
(newfy almost puking )-It`s ok but i think we`ll forget about the 66 other ones!!!!!!!

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex. “Tarzan not know sex,” he
replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I
will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes and lay down on the
ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge
erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees.”

Use these on …ME… 🙂 or anyone else…

1. nice shoes, wanna fuck?

2. if my left leg was christmas and my right leg was
thanksgiving, would you visit in between the holidays?

3. do you work for u.p.s. cause i can see you checking out my
package.

4. how do you like your eggs in the morning?

5. do you have a mirror in your pocket cause i can see myself in
your pants.

6. Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?

7. Just approach the woman, don’t say anything and read the tag
on the collar of her shirt. When she asks what you are doing,
just say “I’m checking to see if you’re made in heaven.”

8. Nice legs what time do they open!!

9. If you were a tear in my eye… I’d never cry, for fear that
I’d lose you!

10.(Look into her eyes and say) Heaven needs to check their list
because they have to be missing an angel.

11. “You look like my first wife.” When they say, ‘how many
times have you been married’, you say, ” None yet ”

12.Walk up to a girl and start rubbing her back When she asks
what you are doing, answer, kind of disappointed: I thought
angels had wings.

13.Is your daddy a thief? (Why?) Because he stole the stars from
the sky and put them in your eyes.

14. Do you believe in love at first site, or do I have to walk
by again?

15. Would you like to dance? [she says “no”] No, you must have
misunderstood me, I SAID, you look fat in those pants!

17. Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a Blow Job?
[No] What are you doing for lunch tomorrow?

18. God must be crying right now. [Why?] Because he just lost an
angel.

20. Have you ever been kissed on the navel? [Yes!] From the
inside?

21. If I followed you home would you keep me?

22. Hi there, do you live on a chicken farm? ‘Cause you sure
know how to raise cocks!