Category: sex

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio’s face saying, “Lie to me, lie to me!”

This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him
in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up
his ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead
husband’s eye. She bent over and said, “I told you it hurts you fucking
bastard.”

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number.

A voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

The man responded, “Ten pounds.”

The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.”

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”–to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”

“Very well,” the voice on the phone told him, “Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! “This is fantastic!” he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed. “Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.” The man replied, “Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.

When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “IF I CATCH YOU, I’M GOING TO SCREW YOU.”

THERE WAS A GIRL AND A MOM WALKING DOWN THE PARK THE GIRL SAW SOMEONE HAVING SEX SHE ASKED MOMMY MOMMY WHAT ARE THEY DOING SHE SAID MAKING CUP CAKES LATER SHE SEES SOMEONE
ELSE HAVING SEX SHE SAID MOMMY WHAT ARE THEY DOING SHE SAID HAVING CUP CAKES LATER THAT NIGHT HER MOM AND DAD WERE HAVING SEX THEN THE LITTLE GIRL SAID MOM WERE YOU AND DAD HAVING CUP CAKES CAUSE I LICKED THE CREAM FILLING OF THE SOFA

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: What do you call 365 used condems
A: Yeast infection mixed with a good year
LOL

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
Adam, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God
said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called �woman�.

God said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give “love” and
compassion whenever needed.” Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?” God
said, “An arm and a leg.” Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?” The rest
is history…

An out of work gentleman had answered the sex shop’s job
advertisement and was being interviewed by the shop’s owner.
“So, have you had any experience in this line of work?” asked
the shop owner.

“No, none,” said the applicant.

“Well, that’s okay,” the owner said, and proceeded to tell the
young man that he was due in a meeting shortly and that he would
have the run of the shop to himself for a while.

“Wait a minute,” the applicant said. “I just told you I don’t
have any experience.”

“That’s okay,” said the owner. “All you have to have really is a
little knowledge about dildos. For instance……this white one
here is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And this black one
is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars.”

The young man thought to himself for a minute and told the owner
he could handle it. No sooner had the owner stepped out for his
meeting, then an attractive lady walked into the shop. “Excuse
me sir, could you help me find a dildo?”, she asked.

“Why of course,” the young man said. “We have a white one here
that is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And we have a black
one beside it that is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars.”

The lady looked them over and said, “they’re both nice, but how
much is that plaid one up on the top shelf?”

“Oh,” the man explained, “that one is 50 dollars.”

“I’ll take it,” she said, and walked out of the shop with her
new purchase.

An hour or so later, the owner returned and asked his new helper
how his first day was. “Did you sell any dildos,” he asked.

“No,” the young man answered, “but I got 50 bucks for my
thermos.”

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.

Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world’s leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork.

If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

Whats the defintion of confusion?

20 blind lesbians at a fish market.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question and as he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman besides
knocking his elbow into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

A family with 2 grown up boys would go visit theit grandmother every year for x-mas and the grandma would always make cookies but someone would always eat the cookie dough before she could bake the cookies. so one year she put some bebe’s in the cookie dough. she would be able to figue out who kept eating the cookie dough. the next morning one of the boys came down and said,”grandma, i was brushing my teeth and i puked out bebe’s!” just then the other boy came in and said,”grandma, i was jacking off in the barn and i shot a bebe out of my penis and killed a cow!”.