Category: sex

It has been determined that the most used position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:

“How many here believe in ghosts?”
Everyone put up their hand.

“How many have seen ghosts?”
A lot of people put up their hand.

“How many have touched a ghost?”
Five people put up their hands

“How many have had sex with a ghost?”
One person put up their hand.

“Well then,” said the host, “why don’t you come up here and tell us all about it.”

The man walked up.

“So, how was your night with the ghost?” asked the host.

“Ghost?” Said the man, “Sorry, I thought you said goat.”

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first
punishment.

The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not
keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old
guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says
“okay, you can stop now. You’ve been relieved”.

Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. what’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
a. whore’s f*** everyone at the party; bitches f*** everyone at the party
except you.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

12> She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”

11> Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”

10> She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

9> She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.

8> Your ex *is* a convict.

7> Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”

6> You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.

5> Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”

4> You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”

3> She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”

2> Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

1> Her license plate is autographed.

there are three guys going to prison for 100 years.the judge says that if they can get 50 kids from a highschool to write down that they wont do anything bad like what the three men had done.
the first guy couldnt get anyone to sign.
the second one got 2 or 3 to sign
the third went and came back andsaid with confidence “i got all them fuckers to sign”
and the judge said how did you do that?
well i said o this is your asshole before you go to prison-0 this is your ass hole when you get out

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: ‘You’d better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.’

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, ‘You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

So she pulled out the shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!’

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: ‘You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do. I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, ‘No. You’re going to eat me like the book says.’

18> “You don’t need fancy-schmancy shampoos. A gallon of Suave costs $1.99 and will last you six months.”

17> “Okay, see that ticker on the bottom of the screen showing up-to-date sports scores? Never noticed that before, did ya?”

16> “A daily Tabasco-sauce gargle will lower the voice an octave and a half, putting it in the perfect range for bellowing ‘LOSERS!’ at Knicks games.”

15> “‘Yellow’ is a color. ‘Red’ is a color. ‘Tangerine’ is a fruit. And if I’m not mistaken, ‘lemon chiffon’ is a dessert.”

14> “For your face-care regimen, I’m switching you to a Norelco rechargeable shaver, followed by a splash of Old Spice. They’re both primary sponsors of Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s Winston Cup car.”

13> “Reading Maxim magazine is great. Dancing with both hands below your head works fine. Now let’s talk about your Episcopalian religion….”

12> “Make sure to scoop the salsa carefully, so the chip doesn’t brea– HEY! Keep that pinky down!”

11> “Try not to be the first one in *and* the last one out of the shower, Mr. Piazza.”

10> “Don’t bother trying to find ‘Skoal brown’ and ‘Bud yellow’ in a paint store — you gotta mix those colors yourself.”

9> “You’re probably unaware of how many food items are now available in convenient aerosol form.”

8> “First things first: Let’s teach you the difference between dirty and unwearable.”

7> “I’m tellin’ ya, it don’t matter if the shoes ‘accessorize with the rest of the ensemble,’ as long as you can easily clean vomit off ’em.”

6> “Leather jacket? Sure! Leather pants? Iffy. Leather chaps? Only if Mistress Helga is going to spank you tonight.”

5> “Okay, I’m *sorry* my rottweiler dismembered your bichon frise — but trust me, you don’t want a gay dog like that anyway.”

4> “When at a restaurant, order whatever you want — as long as you look and talk directly into the imaginary camera nestled between the waitress’ breasts.”

3> “Never shave on a weekend, unless you’re going to a wedding where you have a chance at nailing a bridesmaid.”

2> “Let’s talk about the holy trinity of interior design: pizza boxes, neon Budweiser signs and Heineken mirrors.”

1> “First of all, you gotta stop crying every time Greta Van Susteren says how much jail time Martha Stewart might get.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A 80 year old man got his 18 year old wife pregnant, so he goes to the doctor and says hell the hell did that happend. the doctor says hmmmm reminds me of a old story i know about how a little boy was in the woods and a grizzly bear came out so the little boy picked up a rock and held it like it was a gun and the bear died. After the doctor told him the storie the 80 year old man said well it seems like somone else was doing the shooting and the doctor replied my point exactly.

what does a kid that takes karate have for luncH? porkchops

A very old retired sailor put on his old uniform and went down to the docks once more for old times sake. He found a young prostitute and went up into her room with her. He draped his sailor suit across the bed as he got ready for the deed of intent.

A few minutes later found him goin’ at it the best he could for a guy his age and condition. He looked up and asked her, “So, how am I doin’ there, Honey’?”

The prostitute replied, “Well, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“What’s that?” he asked in confusion…

“Well, mister, as I said, you’re doing ‘three knots.’ You’re knot hard, you’re knot in…and you’re knot getting your money back!” she calmly explained.