Category: sex

Three women attend a group therapy session with their kids to find out about their obsessions and how to get over them.

The therapist says that determining their obsession is easy. She turns to the first woman and says “you are obsessed with money because you named your child Penny. You fear not having enough of it.””

The therapist turns to the second woman and says “”you are obsessed with sweets because you named your child Sugar. You must also crave sweets and not get enough of it.””

By now the third woman has heard enough and thinks this is all BS so she turns to her son and says “”come on Dick we are leaving.””

“

one day a girl saw 2 teens on abench having sex and she asked her mom what they were doing and she said making cakes.

the girl then said to her mom i saw you and daddy making cakes on the couch today.

the mom says in reply how do you know?

the girl says cause i licked the icing off the couch.

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”

She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..

“Dear Annie,

Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!

Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!

Love You,

Bill

(P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
He says: “They’re making love.”

“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” She asked.
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.

“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked.
He says, “Those are his knots.”
She says, “Oh, OK, I got it.”

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were. “Suprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. “Whoa, what are you doing?!” he shouts.

The girl innocently replies,
“I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”

How to do the rodeo fuck:

Turn your girl over and start your business. About 30 second before the “main event”, quietly proclaim that she is not as good as your last girlfriend. Then, see if you can hold on for 30 seconds.

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.In my day, grumbled Gramps, we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.But grandpa, replied the grandson, that is a whore’s shoe.

A man sees an advert for a pianist job in a hotel, and is
interested. He aproaches the receptionist in the hotel, and
says, “I want to see the fucking manager”. The receptionists
requests the man not to use such language in the hotel, but
tells him he will go and get the manager.
So the receptionist introduces the man to the manager. “I’m here
for the fucking pianist job”. Once again the man is requesed not
to use such language.
The manager asks if the pianist can play any classical music.
The pianist replays, “Can I play classical” and sits down at the
piano and plays the best classical music you’ve ever heard.
The manager is impressed, and asks for the name of the song, to
which the pianist replys, “I was sitting in the garden with my
bitch and the moonlight was shining off her nipples”.
The manager is a little bit startled, but continues to ask the
pianist if he could play any blues. The man replys, “Can
I play blues” and goes on to play the greatest bluse you’ve ever
heard. Again the manger asks what the song was called, and the
pianist replys, “I bent her over the table and rammed her up the
arse”.
Once again the manger was startled, however the pianist was
amazing so he offered the man the job on two conditions. He was
not allowed to speak to any guests, and he wasn’t allowed to
introduce any of his songs. The man thought for a while but
finally agreed.
Things were going fine for the first week, until a gorgeous
looking woman entered the restaurant at the hotel. The pianist
wanted to speak to her but at the same time he wanted to keep
his job. So instead he went of to the toilet for a wank. Half
way through he heard the manager call out, “Where is that
pianist”, so he just stopped what he was doing and ran back to
the piano and started playing again.
A few minutes later the woman approached the pianist and said,
“do you know your flys are undone, your cocks hanging out and
your dripping cum all over your shoes”, to which the pianist
quickly replys, “do I know it? I fucking wrote the song!”

Little Johnny wanted to walk his dog. So he goes to his mom and
asked, “Mom? Can I take the dog for a walk?” His mom replies,
“No son, you can’t.” “Why not?” Little Johnny inquired. “Because
son, she is in heat,” she explained. “What does that mean?” he
asked. Exasperated, and not wanting to reply she said, “Go and
ask your father.”

So he does and he asked his dad, “Dad? Can I take the dog for a
walk?” His father said, “No son, you can’t.” “Why not?” “Because
she is in heat,” the dad explains. “What’s that?” Not wanting to
explain, the father rubbed some gasoline on the dog’s rear end
and said, “Here go ahead and take her for a walk.”

So little Johnny took the dog out for a welk. Ten minutes later
he came home without the dog! The father asked, “Where is the
dog?” Little Johnny replied, “She ran out of gas a while back.
Now another dog is pushing her home.”

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says: “Doctor, I just can’t have an orgasm.”

“Do you masturbate?”, he says.

“No luck”. is the reply.

“How about cunnilingus?”

“Nope”

“Kick-start vibrator?”

“Wakes up the neighbors, but not me.” she complains.

“Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here.” the doctor says as he walks into the next room. He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

“What is it”,she gasps.

“It’s a VOODOO DICK,” he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.

“It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK, hand!” he commands. The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.

“Ooooh”, she sighs. “VOODOO DICK, case.” The dick returns in a shot to its case.

“You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power.”

“Certainly, of course, anything you say,” she sputters as the wetness in her mouth matches the wetness in her panties. So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can’t wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.

“VOODOO DICK, hand!” she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.

“VOODOO DICK, pussy!” she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.

“VOODOO DICK, fuck me.” It begins to thrust in and out.

“VOODOO DICK, faster!” It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.

“VOODOO DICK, harder!” It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.

“VOODOO DICK, stop.” BUT IT WON’T STOP !!!!!!

“VOODOO DICK, stop now!”, she yells. It continues its relentless assault.

“Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts” It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in. She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. “You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing- gotta go” she yells.

“Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?”

“You don’t under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me.” she sputters.

“A WHAT?”, the cop yells?

“A magic VOODOO DICK. It’s after me!” she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, “VOODOO DICK, my ass!”

One day there was this really horny guy who was stranded one
this Island. The only thing that was there with him was a pig
and a dog. Every time he went to go screw the pig the dog would
start biting him. This made it impossible to screw the pig.

The next day a incredibly hot chick also managed to get stranded
on the island. She was very sick when she came, so the horny guy
helped out. After she was feeling better she went to the horny
guy and said “you’ve saved my life I will do anything for you.”
So the horny turns to her and asks, “Will you take the dog for a
walk?”

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, “Where are you going?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m
going to get a tetanus shot.”

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!