Category: sex

One day a wife gets married but she is having a very bad sex life so she consults her doctor about it. she says”doc im having a bad sex life help me!” the doctor says here give this to your husband every night for improvement. well she puts a pill in the glass and has good sex so she thinks”hmmmm if one pill did that just imagine two pills so she puts two pill in his drink and they have great sex and she is thinking “hmmm if two did that just imagine the whole bottle.so she pours the whole bottle in the cup.(the next morning)the doctor callos the house and asks the son so hows everyone doing”. “well my mom is dead (too much sex) my sister is pregnant and my ass hurt” “well hows your dad doing” “well he outside yelling here kitty kitty kitty”

I go in dry ,I come out wet.
The longer Im in, the stronger I get.
I come out dripping, I start to sag.
Im not what you think,
Im a Lyons tea bag!

Dear Diary:

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12
I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

Day 15
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

�And God created Adam and Eve�
On yet another day in Eden, God decided to take a casual stroll away from his more-or-less successful creations�he didn�t get very far before being interrupted once again by the individuals created �in his likeness��theoretically anyway. The stampede of footsteps behind him signaled the arrival of the two �perfect� creations.
�Father! Eve�s breaking one of the Commandments again!�
God wearily wondered whether there were any of the one thousand two hundred and sixty four Commandments that had not yet been broken by those two�perhaps the last one: �Thou shalt not, in thine own conceit, force others to hear tired, old jokes, over and over again.� However, Adam�s facial expression indicated a transgression of a far worse caliber.
�Father, tell Eve that you commanded us to walk around naked and unabashed! She�s not following the rules, she�s wearing UNDERWEAR!� Adam squealed.
�So? There�s nothing wrong with it! Besides, you should consider covering up that �ding-dong� of yours, all the apes make fun of you!� Eve retorted.
�I am superior to them in every aspect!�
God raised an incredulous eyebrow.
�Dad� Adam pressed, �Tell her you created me to be dominant in that aspect too!�
God considered this for a moment, thinking back to the creation of all his creatures. Finally, he responded,
�Well, I suppose I disregarded that tiny detail�I did give you a bigger brain though.�
�Brain? Who needs a brain? I need my �banana� to be this loooong!�
�Daddy, he just wants to be bigger than Joe Ape, hehehe�Once Joe showed him his �ding-dong� and Adam�s eyes bugged out in surprise, and envy�� Eve chimed in.
�Liar! I just got something in my eye!�
�And since then, he�s been trying to compensate for it by boasting to Joe �I got to shave first, and then I drank half a bottle of that water in Father�s cabinet and didn�t even feel tipsy when returning to the cave��
�Ah, so that�s where all my good Old Spice has been disappearing to�.� God mumbled to himself.
�Tattletale! Besides, how do you know what I talk to Joe about? You probably wear that underwear to impress him! Soon you�ll start wearing a BRA! You�re dressing like�like� like a slut!� Adam rebutted.
�Slut? There�s no such word! You just made it up! Besides, it wasn�t me trying to impress him by saying �I reproduced FIVE times last night!� You wish you could, you erotomaniac-wannabe. You�ve never gone more than three!�
God could feel his blood pressure rising, despite his doctor�s warnings about stress and hypertension�
�Erotomaniac? Now you made up a word! Besides, I just eat too much at dinner and my blood is redirected to improper places��
�Excuses, excuses. Wrong place here, wrong timing there�you could at least try to be more creative�� Eve continued.
God, heeding his doctor�s advice pulled out a vial and with a shaking hand placed a nitroglycerin pill under his tongue. He then sighed with relief, and with a few well-placed smacks on the butt effectively stopped the argument. He then prophesied, �I promise you, for the first two thousand years, all Eves will wear more and more progressively, then for the next two thousand they shall, in their vanity, gradually undress to impress all average Joe Apes, and so it shall continue until judgement day. And all Adams shall value not their brains, but their �ding-dongs� and compare their size with every Joe Ape��
-Thus far, the prophecy hasn�t failed yet�

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed. “I say, that’s a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” Fred was prompted to remark. “Wasn’t always that way,” replied Chas. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said. “I got this done over in Harley St, England. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent.” Fred was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old friend once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. “But Chas, I will tell you something else,” said Fred. “You were diddled. I got mine for $500, not a thousand.” Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. “No wonder,” he laughed. “That’s my old one!”

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Yo mamma so fat when she walks her pussy claps

Q.Whats the difference between a grape and a dick?

A.The best one squirts the farthest!

Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, “Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.”

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the states and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had.

Every day it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

Every night it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, “Beautiful Butt.” So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, “There is no way I can get “Beautiful Butt” on your tiny little beautiful butt.” But I can put a nice “B” on each cheek which will stand for “Beautiful Butt.”

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B’s. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims, “Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?”

Q. How do you f*** a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.