Category: sex

Two whores were talking shop…

“Why is it,” asked Sharon, “that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?”

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little trick,” said Tracy. “What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he’s just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!”

“I’ll give that a try,” says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

“You’ve just broken my virginity!” said Sharon.

“Screw that,” said the punter. “My balls have just flown out of the window!”

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting
my penis erected. Can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the
problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your
penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you,
except, if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctor
explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk
of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.” Jack thinks
about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through
life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for
it.” A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green
light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic
evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure
Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and
then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly
smile, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack replied with his eyes watering, “Well, I guess so, but I
don’t think I can fit another roll in my ass.”

A young deaf-mute couple got married. Initially they made love
with the lights all on, because they would not see what one
would tell to the other using the sign language otherwise. Once,
the wife signed, “Let’s try to make love with the lights off?”
The man replied, “Ok, but how will you know when I want to make
love to you?” The womam signed, “If you want to make love to me,
just shake my left breast once, and I will know. If you don’t
want to, shake my right breast once.” The man replied, “Alright!
And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once. If you
don’t want to make love to me, shake my penis about fifty times,
ok?”

An old man, Arthur, is in his 50’s and he has decided to join up
2 a nudist colony. He’s walking in past reception in his
birthday suit and cap and he see’s the most beautiful woman with
a perfect female figure and beautiful breasts, then his old
fella does his salute. Arthur is left blushing and the woman
asks him “excuse me sir are you new?” to which Arthur replies
“why yes I am.” The lady told him that if he got an erection
that they would have 2 have sex, so after having sex with the
woman Arthur thought that this was the best place on earth.
A few minutes later he’s in the steam room when he farts, hoping
that noone heard him but as he turned he saw a man who came over
to him and asked “excuse me sir did u just fart?” to which
Arthur replied “why yes I did.” Before he knew it Arthur was on
the ground and being fucked up the ass by this big guy. Arthur
is disgusted and walks 2 the front guest, the receptionist asks
“what can I help you with sir?” Arthur tells her that if that’s
what happens on a daily basis then forget it. I’m old I can only
get it up 3 times a day while I fart at least 15 times a day.

Why do women have smaller feet than guys?
so they can stand closer to the stove!

LITTLE JOHNNY ON ….. GRAMMAR:

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom.

He yelled out, ‘ Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’

The teacher replied, ‘Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate’. Please use the word
‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, ‘ You’re an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!!! ‘

A young couple left the sex therapist’s office determined to develop more effective body language.

“Alright,” said the husband, “when I want sex, I’ll rub your right breast. When I don’t want sex, I’ll rub your left breast.”

“Okay,” said the wife, “What should I do then?”

“Well, when you want to have sex,” he told her, “rub my penis once. When you don’t want any sex, rub it 200 times.”

A guy wen out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He woke up with a terrible hangover and went to take a piss and some Alka-Seltzer when he looked down and saw that he had a red and a brown crusty substance around his dick.

He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification. When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad… first of all, the red substance was ordinary lipstick but I’m afraid the brown substance was…. …. chewing tobacco!

Two men were walking in a forrest one day when they came upon a
farm house. They knocked on the door and the farmer came up.
“Can we stay here tonight, sir? We are tired and hungary and
need some place to sleep.” The farmer replied, “If you want to
stay here, you must have sex with my daughter.” And a fat
18-year old daughter walks down the stairs. One man replied,
“Na, I’d rather stay out here in the snow and cold.” The other
man said, “Yeah, I guess I’ll do it.”

After a well-cooked and hardy meal, he put a ear of corn in his
pocket. The farmer said to him, “Now you must go up and have sex
with my daughter.” He walked in the bedroom and saw the farmer’s
daughter laying on the bed naked. “Do you mind if I blindfold
you? It’s a lot more fun!” he said. “Sure!” she exclaimed. So he
blindfolded her, took out the corn, and used the corn in place
of his dick. When he was done and she was satisfied, he threw
the corn out the window. That night he slept the best he had
slept in a long time. He came downstairs, thanked the farmer,
and walked out the door. The other man ran up to him with the
empty ear of corn and exclaimed, “Thank you so much! If it
wasn’t for that hot-buttered corn I wouldn’t have survived!”

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!”

The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!”

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

whats six inches deep in a males poket that a woman likes to blow? money.