Category: sex

Q: How do you know when you have been rejected by everyone?

A: When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirps; it can’t be tweeted because it�s a canary�s disease.

This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.

She eagerly accepts, but the guy tells her it is to be from his pet frog Freddo. By this time the beauty is getting pretty tipsy and insists on seeing the frog first. So the guy gets him out and presses just behind the jaw of the frog to make him flop his tongue out. At the sight of the size of the tongue the beauty can’t wait and just about tears the guys arm off getting him and the frog to her appartment, where she immediately undresses and lays spread eagle on the bed awaiting Freddo and his tongue.

The guy places Freddo between her legs and repeats “lick-her” several times. A few minutes pass and nothing, he repeats “lick-her”, still no response from Freddo.

Before the beauty can complain again, the guy picks up Freddo and says, “This is the last time I show you how this is done!”

Young Tommy had always wanted to taste the flesh of Amy. He had
always dreamed of penetrating his dick into the fresh kitty-cat
that he imagined Amy had. His friends knew of his urge, so they
plotted out a plan for him. Joe, one of Tommy’s closest friend
(and ideally the richest) came up with a brilliant plan that
made arrangements to have all the families in the neighbourhood
meet and spend a night at their hotel during Christmas; Gladly,
all the families accepted to come.

The boys planned that Tommy would sneak into the room Amy was to
be, and lay her. The important thing was that everybody was to
be made very drunk, so a lot of beer and alcoholic drinks were
to be availed. They believed that at such a drunken state Tommy
would screw Amy without her noticing a thing of what happened
when she got up the next day.

So, on the night of Christmas, all went as planned. Everybody
drank, everyone got drunk and then one by one left for their
rooms, until there was only Tommy in the room. The time had come
for Tommy to perform it. So, he quickly rushed up the stairs,
looked around to check whether anybody was around, opened the
door, sneaked into the room and in no time he was under the
blanket; by the side of Amy. This was the opportunity he had
always dreamed of, so without wasting anymore time, Tommy slid
under the sheets towards Amy’s pussy, pulled her pants down and
licked her pussy vigorously. She enjoyed every moment that she
even led Tommy into dipping his joystick into the very flesh he
had always dreamed of. It was as tight and as sweet as he had
always imagined.

He left the room afterwards, happy and rushing to meet the
others to tell them about his success. He rushed down the
stairs, into the ballroom and thought of passing through the
kitchen to have a glass of water. As he entered the kitchen,
Tommy saw what he couldn’t believe; Amy was in the kitchen with
a glass of milk in her hand. He quickly asked anxiously, “Amy! I
thought you’re already asleep?” Amy smiled back and answered,
“Not yet Tommy, I had to get my grandma Stella a glass of milk
first. She’ll be sleeping in my room tonight.”

An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandneice, who’d gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, ‘Judi says here that she’s got her- self a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it must be a *message* parlor.”I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbors and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all,’ her husband said. ‘Does Judi say how much they’s a payin’ her?”Well, that’s the part I can’t make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!’

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices… when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man’s wanger, and angrily tosses it out the window of the car. Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a guy and his 10 year-old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the wanger smacks the windshield of the pickup, sticks briefly, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy: “Daddy! What was that!?”Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, says… “sure had a big dick!!!”

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,� Wow, he’s a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button…A-bomb.�

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor guy, she’s pretty
but teachers are just too frigid”.

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse’s husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man’s
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, “What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, �You�re not sanitary, and you�re not sanitary.”

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator’s husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man’s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked,” What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices.”

The man sourly replies “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, “You’re three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up.”

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher�s husband would be
calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast.

Dave can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple�s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked �What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?”

The man smiled and happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying “We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle
or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of
course.

The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised
it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:

�DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I’M GOING TO KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!�

A traveling salesman was driving down a farm road when his car suddenly
stopped and wouldn’t start again. A farmer on a tractor was passing by and
stopped to help the salesman fix his car. By the time they were finished, it was
almost sundown, so the farmer told the salesman he could spend the night at his
home if he didn’t mind sharing the bed with his twin daughters. The salesman
thought the twins were kids, so he said it was okay. They farmer took the
salesman to his home and went into the house.

After a few minutes of talking and cleaning up, the men were called to the
dinner table by the farmer’s wife. As they sat down, the salesman saw the two
most beautiful young ladies he had ever seen. The farmer introduced them as his
twin daughters. During the entire meal all the salesman thought about was he was
sleeping in the same bed as the girls and he was going to have a good time that
night. They all finished their supper and the men went and talked while the
women finished cleaning up. The salesman couldn’t keep his mind off what was to
be a good time. Finally it was time to go to bed and the salesman anxiously got
prepared. The twins got into the bed, one on each side of the salesman. Just as
the lights were going to be turned off, the farmer came into the bedroom and
placed one egg on both sides of the salesman. The farmer said, “This is to make
sure you don’t do anything with my daughters tonight!! If I come in tomorrow
morning and find one or both eggs broken, I’ll know you did something and I’ll
shoot you!! You understand? Well, the salesman looked at the eggs, the farmer,
and the shotgun in the farmer’s hand and quietly replied that he understood.
With that, the farmer told them goodnight and turned off the light.

During the night, the salesman turned over and accidentally broke one of the
eggs. “What the hell,” he thought, “I’m dead anyway,” and screwed the first
twin. After several minutes of bliss, he rolled off of her and broke the other
egg. “Might as well go out smiling,” he thought and had his way with the second
twin. When he was finished, he noticed that it was almost sunup and the farmer
was starting to stir. Thinking quickly, he looked into his sales bag and got out
a tube of superglue and glued the eggs back together. The glue dried quickly and
the salesman jumped back into the bed and had just put both eggs back when the
farmer entered.

“I see the eggs are alright, so I guess I won’t shoot you. Want some
breakfast?”

“What are you making?” the salesman asked.

Holding up the eggs, he said, “Eggs.”

“No thanks, I’ll eat later, I got to get going!!!” the salesman quickly said
and grabbed his clothes and left.

The farmer went to the stove and broke the first egg over the skillet, but
nothing came out. He then broke the second egg and again, nothing came out.
Extremely pissed off, the farmer walked out to the hen house and shouted,
“Alright…which one of you roosters is wearing a rubber???”

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he’d heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400. The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, ‘That’s because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.’ He looked up and asked, ‘Come again?’

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure
if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible,” My son, after an exhaustive
search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thinks: ” What does a priest know of sex?” He goes to minister…
a married man, experienced .. for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not
for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge…A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states,”My son, sex is definitely play.”

The man replies,” Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell
me sex is work?!”

The Rabbi softly speaks,” If sex were work … my wife would have the maid
do it.

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling
so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the
desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran
away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride
again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to
his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and
goes on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a
road. There was a broken down car with three big cheated beautiful blondes
sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said,”If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, “How could we ever repay you Mr.”
After thinking for a short while he replied,� Could you hold my camel?”