Category: sex

Prince Charming gets very drunk at the ball and ends up staggering out of the palace and into the Royal Vegetable Garden. When the Queen realizes that he’s missing, she sends all the palace guards out in search of her son.

In just minutes, the head guard finds the errant prince having a jolly good time thrusting his royal dick into a hole in the side of a large, ripe pumpkin.

“Prince Charming!” cries the guard. “Forgive me for interrupting, but… Do you realize you’re fucking a pumpkin?”

The prince stops what he’s doing and pulls back to examine the violated pumpkin.

“Oh, my,” says the drunken prince. “Is it midnight already?”

THE Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person you’re with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning. …

and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ….

1. IF YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today’s lesson.

“I’ll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let’s begin. A”

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ‘ass’ or ‘asshole’. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said “apple”.

“Very good”, said the teacher, “now B”.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said “ball”.

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to “R”. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn’t think of a bad word that started with “R”. So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: “R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin’ Rat!”

One day a boy decides to get a harley. he didn’t want the chrome to get rusted
so he bought some vast line. he fell in love with a woman and she invited him
for dinner at her parent�s house. so he picked her up and before they went in
she told him that there is a family tradition. the first one to speak after
dinner has to do the dishes. so after dinner everyone sits in silence. the boy
had to do something so he reached over and kissed the woman. that didn’t work so
he threw her on the table and had passionate sex. since he saw that didn’t work,
he took her mother threw her on the table and had more passionate, wilder sex.
he saw that wasn’t working. he heard thunder in the distance and thought about
the chrome. so he pulled out the vaseline. the woman’s father said, “alright,
damn it. i’ll do the f****** dishes!”

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroid�s.

The was a young woman who lived by herself in a cabin, in the
middle of the woods! There was three men stranded in the woods,
when they came across a cabin in the woods which belonged to the
young woman!The woman put a sosage in a hole in the floor! Every
night after she got home from a hard day at work, she would get
down on the floor and start fucking it for about an hour each
night!

One day, before the young the young woman got home from work,
one of the stranded men went under her cabin, and took out the
sosage and put his dick up the hole instead! When the woman got
home, she got down and started fucking it!! The other two
stranded men went and knock at the door!! She got up off the
floor, pulled up her panties, and put down her skirt, and kicked
it under the frig, and answered the door!!

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh.The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough.The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn’t want the man to be embarrassed.The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, ”She choked.”

A pregnant women gets caught up in a bank raid and gets shot in the stoumach 3 times

.she survies but the doctors say that each of her children will pee out a bullet when they are older.She has 3 children 2 girls and a boy.when her first daughter is 6 she runs to her mum and says “mummy mummy i wee weed out a bullet” her mum replies “its ok darling”

.when her second daughter is nine she shouts to her mum and says”mum i peed out a bullet” she replies “thats ok”

When her son is 13 he runs down the stairs and “shouts mum mum” she says “calmley i know you peed out a bullet” he says “no i was having a wank and i shot the dog!”.

two deaf lesbians were walking down the road with their hands in each others pants, they were lip reading

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log
cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had
registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting
concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man
decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the
door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old
man asked if they were okay.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love,” came the
reply.

The old man responded, “I thought so. Would you mind not
throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After sixty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes. See them, and they make you cry.”

A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”

The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes. Dried up, and the balls are there only for decoration.

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, “um, how is this going to work?”
The martain man replies “Oh, not big enough? Okay then.”

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. “Um, that’s good but isn’t it still a little thin?
“No problem” the martain man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said “Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?”

The man replied, “It was awful!!
The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!”