Category: sex

This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sex!”

“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,” he answers back.

“That’s not so much,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all.
Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.

“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man.

“Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do,” says the man. “Twice a day!”

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless,
was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees
started swirling around, annoying Little Johnny. He began
stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling
the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s
it! No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His
father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought,
said, “No butter for you for one month!”

Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen
floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the
cockroaches were dead. Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny
and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny
said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

3 bullets

This pregnant woman got shot 3 times in the stomach while pregnant with triplets. The bullets went into all 3 of the babies. The doctor told the mother that the bullet will come out of their bodies at age 14.

At age 14, one of the girls comes up to the mom and says I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her daughter. The second daughter comes up to her mom and says mom i just pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her. The son comes up to his mom and the mom says let me guess u pissed out a bullet. The boy says no i was jerking off and I shot the cat!!!

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

A little boy asked his father, if Homosexuals cant reproduce, then why are there so many?

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven’t been feelin’ meself lately!.””Tis a good thing, too – that was a nasty habit you had!”, responded McMaken.

THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR…One PAYDAY MR.PEANUT wanted a BIT
O’HONEY, so he took MARYJANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner
of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was
pure ALMOND JOY…
…It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as his
BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY…
…She screamed OH HENRY as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and
ZAGNUTS. MARYJANE said, “You are even better than the… THREE
MUSKETEERS.” Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later
had a BABY RUTH.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says “hello hello hello”

And the wife says “what, aren’t you talking to me!”

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.