Category: sex

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.

Now please begin.

“CLUES”

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good..

2. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news.

11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

Answers:

1. nose

2. peanut butter

3. crane

4. Titanic

5. tent

6. dentist

7. wedding ring

8. elevator

9. chewing gum

10. newspaper boy

11. glove

12. arrow

13. attorney

She is not:A BAD COOKShe is:MICROWAVE COMPATIBLEShe does not:GET PMSShe becomes:HORMONALLY HOMICIDALShe does not have:A KILLER BODYShe is:TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVEShe is not:A BAD DRIVERShe is:AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGEDShe is not a:PERFECT 10She is:NUMERICALLY SUPERIORShe is not:EASYShe is:HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLEShe does not:HATE SPORTS ON TVShe is:ATHLETICALLY BIASEDYou do not ask her:TO DANCEYou request a:PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCEShe is not:HOOKED ON SOAP OPERASShe is:MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATEDShe is not:COLD OR FRIGIDShe is:THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLEShe does not:WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UPShe is:COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATEDShe does not have:GREAT CLEAVAGEHer breasts are:CENTRALLY LOCATEDShe is not:A SCREAMER OR MOANERShe is:VOCALLY APPRECIATIVEShe does not:SUN BATHEShe experiences:SOLAR ENHANCEMENTShe does not:CUT YOU OFFShe becomes:HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLEShe does not have:BIG HAIRShe is:OVERLY AEROSOLEDShe does not:SHOP TOO MUCHShe is:OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

Bubba laughed and said,

“It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,

“Is that you, Bubba?”

One day a head stumbled into a bar and asked for a beer.when he took the first sip of the beer he grew a body.

The bartender said thats amazing.H e said I watch this and he took another sip. Wow he grew arms and hands this time.

This time he took another sip and grew legs and feet.The bar tender said now you can’t grow any thing else so I guess you’ll be leaving. No wait I can grow one more thing. Oh, whats that. A dick to screw you with. So he took one more sip.

To prove he grew a dick he took the bar tender (who if by now you haven’t guessed is a beautiful women with huge tits and thin waist)upstairs to the janiters closit he screwed her for hours.

When they had been in there for 5 hours screwing each other the women said, I have to go.He said wait one minute whats your name.It’s Victor.What thats a guys name.I know you have been screwing a guy, you just were so excited about screwing me I didn’t won’t to tell you.Bye.

One day later the women told him you might want to get dick implants mine is two times as big as yours and I got mine cut off.

Okay, there’s these three ugly guys walking through the park when they come up to a bottle, so out of curiosity, they rub the bottle, and POOF, a genie appears.The genie says, “You rescued me, so I will give you each 2 wishes.”The first guy says, “I would like a million dollars and a foot long dick.”The second guy says, “I want two million dollars and a two foot long dick.”And the third guy says, “I want five million dollars and a dick I can make any size I want at any time.”So anyway, the next day comes, and the 3 guys see the genie walking through the park, and the genie says to them, “So guys, how you do you like your wishes?”The first guy says, “Well, the money is nice and all, but this dick, is just too much. I mean, I’m still ugly, and this huge dick is just in the way. I find it hard to run, I see a hot chick, and she KNOWS I’m checking her out, if you know what I mean.”So the genie says, “Okay, I’ll change it back, then”, and he changes it back.”The 2nd guy says, “I also find that the money is nice and all, but this dick is just way too huge. I mean, I’m still ugly, and now I’m a freak with a huge dick, can you change it back?”And the genie says, “Sure.” and he changes it back.So the genie asks the third guy, “Hey, the other two guys don’t like their new dicks and wanted them changed back, do you want me to change back yours?”And the guy says, “Are you crazy? I love this new dick. I mean I’m still ugly and all, but do you see that hot blonde over there? BOOM, got her.”

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with
his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.’Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch, ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’ After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Lancelot.’Sir Lancelot,’ exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’But Sir Lancelot was speechless…

there was a guy who thoght his wife was cheating on him.so he went to the pet store to by a hamster to watch her while he was gone.he saw one hamster it was $500 dollers he thoght it was too much.he saw another one but it was $200 dollers.still too much.he saw one that was $25 dollers, he took it.the pet store manager said “there are 2 things you have to know,1 it tells you everything that happened that day and 2 it hangs by its balls.so he names the hamster charlie.he gtes back from work and says,””charlie what hyappened today.”mail man come.then wa=hat happened mail man deliver mail.then what happened.wife invite mail man inside.then what happened.mail man take wifes shirt off.then what happened. mail man and wife have sex. then what happened.sorry,fell of boner.

children in the dark cause accidents,
accidents in the dark cause children!

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy’s penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor.

The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, “Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father.”

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked “Wow, how did you do that?” The guy, all tired and wet replied “I simply used my head”.

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. ‘This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.’ The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, ‘Hey, no screwing!’ They look at each other and yell back, ‘We’re not screwing!’ A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the new man yells down, ‘Hey, no screwing!’ Again they yell back, ‘We’re not screwing!’ Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, the new man yells down from high above, ‘Hey, I said no screwing!’ They yell back, ‘And we said we’re not screwing!’ Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are going at it. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself, ‘Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.’