Category: sex

sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!

Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.
Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke – poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.
Sex while flying – soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.

One day there was this blind man walking down the street.He walked passed a fish market,took a deep breath and said “Why,
Good Morning Ladies”

How To Drive Them Crazy!Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy. Now, this is only a joke, so don’t try this at home!! ;-)To make the MEN crazy:1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.6. ‘Accidentally’ fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who ‘needs it more than he does.’10. Insist upon a lot of ‘meaningful conversations.’11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his ‘sinking’ on film.14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates. To make the WOMEN crazy: 1. Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.6. Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.8. Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.9. Never give her a straight answer.10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.14. Answer every question with ‘Yes, dear.’ (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

Yesterday, i went all the way, not with my girl friend but with
a girl that i never meet. She was very nice, very cute but a
very nasty person. She told me that the only way we would have
sex is that if i meet her parents. So i agreed… we went to her
dads house. It was ok but not the best after we got back form
her dads house, we did it so that is how we had sex. haha

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. “No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don’t say a word,” She tells him,” Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her
dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there
is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s
father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY. I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, she got fired too.”

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
”Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister. ”Yeah,” said the newlywed man.
”She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
”That’s okay,” said the man. ”We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

This was in the Washington Post … the title of the article was “Best Come
Back Line Ever.” In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old
white male resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,
and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect
explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know,
a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for
miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out
a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”. “Guess I was just really into it, you
know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence
apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was
unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an
unusual situation that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to
(Lawrence) and he’s… just working away at this bumpkin.” Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said,
‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He froze
and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in
the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?’

A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:”Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”She said, “No.””Well,” he spoofed, “down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in — and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up — then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and go around again.”She didn’t laugh a bit.Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing.She explained, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”

Q: What does a woman and an airplane have in common?
A: They both have cockpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.