Category: sex

There were once 3 men who lived in jail. One was rather stupid,
one was a bit more clever, and one was the cleverest (the clever
man). They were all guilty of their convicted crimes but decided
to escape.

During the escape they had to cross one large field. The clever
man crossed it by crawling behind a hedgerow, the slightly
clever man ran across, and the stupid man carelessly strode
across the field, whistling ten green bottles (sitting on a
wall), and taking his time.

Now, two lesbians owned this field, and hearing the whistling,
stopped the men. “You have been trespassing” they both said in
unison. “…and for that you shall be punished.” The Lesbians,
not knowing that these men had just escaped from jail said, “We
shall now legally (this was in Indonesia) remove your genitiles
in a manner according to your job.”

The dumb man, not thinking said- “Oh yes, I’m a butcher!”– they
sliced his penis off like ham.

The slightly clever man was about to say that he was a chemist,
but with thought that the lesbians might be in possession of
sulphuric acid (remember that this was in Indonesia) said, “I’m
a Lumberjack” – he wanted the pain to be quick…. and so it
was. Just in one single chop.

The lesbians were enjoying this, and with smug faces (otherwise
known as the Anne Robinson from Watchdog face) turned to the
clever man, who said-with an equally smug face- “Oh me….I test
lollipops.”

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for
bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and
he is astonished with her beauty.

“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture.” Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?” He
answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new
wife asks, “Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now.” The
man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get
a picture”. He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED”!

Q. What’s the definition of a lesbian?

A. A woman doing a man’s job better again!

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you, I’m gay.”His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!”

Two roosters are sitting on a post. One of them is straight and the other one is gay. The straight one says,”Cockledoodle do.” The gay one says,”Any cockle do.”

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the
doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks…well, “needy”.
“Can I help you?” the Madam asks. “I want Natalie”, the old man replies. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…?”
“No. I want Natalie.”

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie
explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. “I’m not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you’re from?”

“I am from Minsk.”
“Really”, replies Natalie “I have a sister who lives there.”
“I know”, says the old man. “She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.”

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A – Almost Boobs
B – Barely there
C – Can Do
D – Damn good
E – Enormous
F – Fake

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun Jill forgot to take her pill and now they have a son

Q. What do you get when you have a woman having sex between two guys?

A. A tunafish sandwitch!

What Do you call a man with a 90 inch cock? Mark S

An Irish man walks into a church and goes to confess his sinsBloke “father father i fucked a cat”Father “a terrible sin this weeks penance is 20 whips around the back”That night the vicar was thinking how he did it and thought he will give it a go so he picked up his cat turned him round and was just about to start when the cat turned and clawed his bollocks blood was coming out everywhereNext week the same bloke came in bloke ” father father i fucked a cat again” Father ” how did you do it” bloke ” i put the cat in a box wrap cotton wool around him and cut a hole at the bottom of the box then i am ready”The father turned round and said” your penance this week is to fuck the cat without the box”

There was this lucky farmer married to a beautiful woman. And
they had kids, a farm, and lots of cows. After some years the
number of cows became so big that they couldn’t milk them by
hand so they bought an electrical milking machine that fills a
bucket with milk in five minutes…

Sometime later his wife takes the kids and goes to visit her
parents. The poor man is so horney he can’t wait for his wife so
he starts jerking off every night. One night he thinks to use
the milking machine instead of his hand. So without thinking
anymore he puts his dick inside the machine and turns it on. Oh
god… what a machine. When he is done, all happy, he tries to
take his dick out but it was stuck inside the machine. He tries
and tries but can’t take it out. Suddenly he gets an idea; why
not call the vendor of the machine. So he carries the machine on
his back and goes to the phone….

Farmer: Excuse me sir for calling you up at this late time but I
have a big problem. I’m so ashamed of myself but I did it.

Vendor: Did what?!

Farmer: Since my wife has been to her parents for more than a
week I, I put my dick in the milking machine, but now I can’t
take my dick out. Its stuck.

Vendor: Oh, boy. I’m sorry but you can’t get it out unless the
bucket is full.