Category: sex

1. You can GET chocolate

2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to

6. You can have chocolate even in front f your mother

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names

9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting coworkers

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped

12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate

13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it

14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant

15. You can have chocolate any time of month

16. Good chocolate is easy to find

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate

19. When you have chocolate is does not keep your neighbors awake

20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was
completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer
sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a
month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar
up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who
also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and
even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m
only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

A rabbit and a bear were walking thru the woods when they saw a magic lamp. They ran up to it and the genie came out.
�I�ll grant u 3 wishes each for freeing me. The bear can start,� said the genie
�I wish every bear in the entire forest, except me, was a female!� said the bear.
�Wish granted,� said the genie. And then the rabbit took his turn.
�I wish I had a motorcycle that could go faster then anything in the world� said the rabbit.
�Wish granted,� said the genie. And a shiny new motorcycle stood in front of the rabbit.
�Ok,� said the bear, �I wish every bear in the country, except for me, was a female!�
�Wish granted,� said the genie.
�I wish had, �said the rabbit, �a motorcycle helmet�
�Wish granted,� said the genie and a new helmet appeared on the ground in front of the rabbit.
�For my last wish,� said the bear, �I wish every bear on the planet, except for me, was a female!!�
�Wish granted,� said the genie. The bear was very excited now.
�I wish,� said the rabbit. He mounted his motorcycle. And he buckled his helmet. He revved his motorcycle. �I wish,� said the rabbit, as he kicked back the peg, �I wish the bear was gay!!�
Vroooooooooooooooooooooooomm!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.

The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, ‘What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas’? The little girl replies, ‘I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe’. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, ‘I thought Barbie comes with Ken’. ‘No’, said the little girl. ‘She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.’

Q. What’s the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Think ur having a bad day? Imagine this…

You and ur brother are siamese twins, you are joined at the hip. Ur brother is gay and ur not, his lover is coming over later and you only have one arse.

Feel better?

12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”

11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”

10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”

9. “Avoid the clam dip.”

8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”

7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”

6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”

5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”

4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”

3. “Come here to come here often?”

2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”

1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…

Wanna fuck? No? Okay…

Wanna fuck? No? Okay…

Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally
together.”

A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”

“I mean her legs!”

Actually from the LA Times.

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained.

“As usual, Kiki shouted out “Armageddon”, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

After a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?””Well,” the man replied, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.””That’s a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?””Yeah. We took a vote ….. and they were in favour of it 15 to 2.”