Category: sex

A German man rapes a woman and when he is finished he stands to attention and says,
In 9 monthz you vill have za baby und you vill call him Adolf.
She replies,
In 9 days you will get a rash and you can call it German measles if you like.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up
a picture of a cat. “What animal is this?” she asked.
“A cat!” said Eddie.

“Good job! Now, what is this animal?”

“A dog!” said Eddie.

“Good! Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what
your mom calls your dad.”

“A horny bastard,” called out Eddie.

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, ‘See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!’ She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, ‘See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!’ She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, ‘Why are you in such a hurry to go?’ She replies, ‘With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!’

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at “makeout point.” Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

“Excuse me, son” said the cop, “but how old are the two of you?”

“I’m eighteen, sir, and” (checking his watch another time) “in ten more minutes, she’ll be eighteen too!”

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”

She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarden and couldn’t find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprize, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, “Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?”

The dad thinks for a second, “Of course son, we’re a family.”

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writing wildly.

“Hang on Dad!” cries Mikey, “This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!”

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms. The more boastful of the two…..went right to it and made love to his date… leaned over and marked a ”l” on the wall…. Feeling sprightly, he went again… and once again at the completion of the act ..marked another ”l” on the wall – next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag.. he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing….fell asleep. Awakened by the sun’s rays coming in the window… he quickly grabbed his lady and did it one more time…… and marked another ”l” on the wall… Just at that time ..His friend enters…and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims: ”DAMN- a hundred and eleven… beat me by three….”

This guy walks into a bar and sits down. He is down on his luck
because he lost his job and his wife kicked him out. He gets a
drink from a bartender and downs it. All of a sudden the
bartender asks:

“Hey do you want a million dollars?”

The man is completly shocked.

“Of course i want a million dollars.”

The bartender leans close to the guy and says:

“If you want it you have to do three things. You have to down a
hole bottle of hot sause and not shed a tear. Then you have to
pull the tooth out of a pitbulls mouth. Then you have to fuck a
80 year old women.”

The man is shocked and angry and storms out of the bar. Three
hours later he comes back drunk.(Having visited another bar.) he
says to the bartender:

“I’ll do it. I want those million dollars.”

The guy takes a bottle of hot sause and drinks it and doesn’t
shed a tear. The bartender hands him some plyer and the man goes
out side. From the bar you hear the dog barks and whimpering.
The man after a hour comes inside the bar and says”

“Now where is that old women who needs her tooth pulled.”

This guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get
acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a
living.

The new neighbor says,� I�m a professor.” The first neighbor then
asks,”Oh yeah, what do you teach?”

“Logic”, the professor responds. “What is that?” the neighbor #1inquires.

“Well, let me see if I can give you an example…you have a dog, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right, �the neighbor #1 responds.

“And you have children too, right?” says the professor.

“Wow, right again,” exclaims the neighbor.

“So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?”
proclaims the professor.

“Unbelievable, you’re absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?”

“Well,” the professor says, “I observed there was a dog house in your
backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so
you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and
if you�re married, you are most likely heterosexual…it was all logical!”

The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if
he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.

“What’s he like?”

“Well,” the man says, “he’s nice and he is a professor of logic.”

“Oh,” says the friend, “what’s logic?”

“Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”

“Why, no, I do not,” responds the friend. “Well, then,” proclaims the man,
“you must be gay!”

One day a man was really horny and wanted to have sex. So he
went to the clinic near his house and told the clinic worker
that he wanted to have sex and if there was anyone there to give
it to him. The worker said yes and told him to go up to room
222. So he walked up to room 222 and opened the door to find a
chicken laying on the bed. He said to himself, “no this can’t
be right.” So he went back down to the desk and said to the
worker, “there is a chicken laying on the bed, I wanted a
person.” The worker, then told him, “chickens are good, go up
there, do what you have to do, then come back down.” So the guy
said ok and went up and did what he had to do. He spent two and
a half hours with this chicken.

When he was done fooling around with the chicken, he came back
down and told the worker that the sex was great and if there was
another chicken he could have sex with. The worker said yes, go
up to room 224. So he walked up to room 224, to find other men
up in the room. He said to himself, this can’t be right. So he
went back downstairs and said to the worker, “this can’t be
right, there is men in that room, i wanted a chicken.” So the
worker said “yes I know just go up and sit on the couch with the
other men.” So he went back up and did what he was told.

After being in the room for 2 minutes, the walls turned to
mirrors, and in the reflection of the mirrors was a man having
sex. The man that had just had sex with the chicken turned to
the man sitting next to him and said “wow that guy is really
getting down.”

The other guy turned to him and said, “this isn’t nothing, you
should have just saw the guy that was up here for two and a half
hours with the chicken.”

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, ‘Jean… Jean zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.’ The police chief smiled and said; ‘Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is ok.”Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:’Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ‘ To which Pierre replied, ‘Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.’ Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, ‘NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, ‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.’