Category: seniors

An old lady was waiting for the bus. Because she had been mugged
so many times on the street she kept all of her money in her
underpants. When the bus finally came she dug in her underpants
and pulled out a quarter to pay for her bus fare. The bus driver
looked down at the coin she had submitted and said, “I’m sorry
ma’am but we don’t take scabs!”

An old man that was married to a rather beautiful young girl was
so old that he could not maintain an erection. The girl,
demanding sex, suggested that he go to his doctor and see what
he could do.

The old man went to his doctor and sure enough the doctor had a
solution. He had a very expensive shot that could make him have
an erection. All he had to do was say “honk” to have an erection
and “honk honk” to make it go down. But he could only use it
three times both ways.

When the old man got back to his limo he was rather curious.
Knowing that he wouldn’t have to use it that much longer because
he was getting old enough and closer to his final resting place,
he said “honk” and it went up. He then said “honk honk” and it
went down.

Rather anxious to show his young beautiful wife he got out of
the car and proceeded to his mansion. Then suddenly a car honked
it’s horn and it went up, another car honked twice and it went
down.

Worried because he only had one more time to use it he tried run
to his mansion. He finally got to his room where she was
waiting. He tore off his clothes then hers and said honk.

Curious, his wife asked, “What’s with all this honk honk crap?”

How do you get an 80 year old lady to say “fuck”?

Get another 80 year old lady to yell “Bingo”

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding
cake”

One day a couple of old ladies were driving. The passenger is
just sitting there and she notices that they went right trough a
red light! She thought it was just her imagination so she just
sits there and relaxes. Then they went through another one. She
looked at the driver and asked her, “Did you just drive through
a couple of red lights?!” The driver says, “Oh, shit, am I
driving?!”

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While
the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one
elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I
believe that I was sexually harassed!” The driver didn’t think
much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it
soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading
again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his
ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!” This time, he
knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go
back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what
was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus
floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
“Excuse me, sir, could I help you?!” The elderly man looked up
and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and
I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they
were parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!”

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about
this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The
first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret
was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling
the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps
into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband
comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with
her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night
when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick
shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her
husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, “For
God’s sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you’re
starting to look like an asshole.”

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the
counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk, “Ddddoo youuu hhhave
ddddildos?” The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many models.” The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?” The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
“Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe
dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?”

A true story,

A friend of mine and I went into a Wal-Mart and my friend took a
box of condoms from the pharmacy and put them in an old man’s
cart. When the man turned around and saw the box of condoms he
turned to his wife and exclaimed, “But Marcia its not even
Thursday!?”

One day, two old men decide that they need some action in their
life. So they decide to go to a whore house to get some.

The head lady of the whore house sees them coming. “Uh oh. Here
come two old ones.” she says. “I’m not giving them any of my
girls.” She calls one of her girls and tells her to fix two
rooms, and put blow up dolls in the rooms and turn out the
lights.

The men walk up to the counter and place $300 each on the
counter. “Gives us some good ones” laughs the first man. “You’re
in luck tonight gentlemen.” Says the owner. “We have a moonlight
special, but you have to keep the lights out.” The men agree and
go to their rooms to do their thing.

The next day, the men meet up in the park to discuss their
night. “How was it?” the first man asked the second man. “It was
pretty good, she was pretty quiet though. But she kept making
little sqeaky noises. How was yours?” The second man replies, “I
don’t know. I think mine was a witch.” “Why?” asks the first
man. “Well,” said he second man. “I bit her titi and she farted
and flew out the window!”

10.You can play connect-the-dots on your liver spots.

9. Went to an antique auction…three people bid on you.

8. Used to put cream in your coffee;now you use formaldehyde.

7. You knew Alexander the Great when he was just mediocre.

6. Still growing hair, but only only in your nose.

5. You sprinkle tenderizer on you applesause.

4. They ask to check your check your bags, and your not carrying
any.

3. Prostate now the size of a pumpkin.

2. Your birth certificate is written in hierogylphics.

1. You’ve even got wrinkles on your teeth

There was a guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts
weights and jogs 6 miles everyday.

One morning, looking in his mirror, he noticed he was sun-tanned
all over…with the exception of his penis…which he readily
decided to do something about.

He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in
the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing this penis sticking out of the sand she began
to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she
said, “there really is no justice in the world.” Her friend
asked, “What do you mean?” The cane pusher said while pointing
to the tanning penis…

When I was 20…I was curious.
When I was 30…I enjoyed it.
When I was 40…I asked for it.
When I was 50…I paid for it.
When I was 60…I prayed for it.
When I was 70…I forgot about it.

And now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild and I’m too
damn old to squat!!!