Yours Fun Portal !
When I was younger I hated going to weddings …
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, ‘You’re next.’
They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me
too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her
grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last
she spoke up.
“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job
lately.”
An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six
months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to
her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones,
you’re going to be a mother.”
“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it
was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”
“I’ll be darned,” she replied and stormed out of the office. She
walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
“Hello,” she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, “You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered,
“Who’s calling please?”
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a sceond, and
tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said “Then you used to bit my neck.”
The husband now very annoyed got out of bed and walked to the
bathroom.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!” he replied.
An older lady was taking the elevator to her floor when a young,
sweet-smelling, beautiful woman came on. She said,”Chanel-$50.00
an ounce.” and pressed the button for her floor. About 2 floors
up, another young, sweet-smelling, beautiful woman came on the
elevator. She said,”Bombardier-$100.00 an ounce.” and pressed
the button for her floor. When the older woman got to her floor,
she turned around, farted, and said,”Beans, $1.00 a can at the
grocery store.” and got off.
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive
her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the
doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an
aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop
it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come
back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”
A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well,
how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just
terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked. “Well, I
did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off
the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”
“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so
good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25
years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King
again.”
One day two old ladys were sitting on a bench at the town park
when a flasher walks up and flashes them. One old lady has a
stroke, but the other one can’t reach!
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.”
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May
issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active…..
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”
– The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood
alcohol content.
– Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody
listens to you.
– Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn’t have it
you won’t either.
– If women can have PMS then why can’t men have ESPN?
– There is two sides to every divorce, yours and shithead’s.
– Everyday I beat my own previous record for numbers of
consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
– Isn’t it funny how the mood can change so quickly by just one
busted condom?!
– Midlife is when your realize you are so old you have to pay
some one to look at you naked.
– Middleage is when you choose your cerael for the fiber and not
the toy.
– Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a
relative.
I’m not saying you’re old but who else…
…has wrinkles on their teeth.
…sprinkles tenderizer on their applesauce.
…has a pterodactyl for a pet.
…remembers when Baskin-Robins only had two flavors.
…wears steel-belted support hose.
…knew Sleeping Beauty when she was an ugly insomniac.
There was an old lady with titanium legs walking down the beach
on her 100th birthday. She walked by a surfer guy and said “
I’ve never been fucked in my entire life, will you fuck me?” the
guy says sure, and then he rips her arms and legs off and throws
her into the ocean andsays ” now your fucked bitch!”
Once there was a very old man who had a treaure chest. He knew
that he was going to die soon, so the old man and his wife
decided to put the chest in the attic so he could take it with
him on his way to Heavan.
Five weeks later the man died. After the funeral service the old
man’s wife went up to the attic to see if the treasure was gone.
But it was still there! She sighed and said, “I knew we
should’ve put it in the basement!”