Category: seniors

Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some
of you will remember, some will only laugh…

* I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for
$20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be
long before $2,000 will only by a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous.

* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.

* Pretty soon, you won’t be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.

* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible
to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if
someday they’ll be making more than the President.

* I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

* It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women have to work to make ends meet.

* It would be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business.

* Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Congress.

* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country, that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.

* I don’t know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee
to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.

* If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I’ll
have my wife learn to cut hair.

* We won’t be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us
she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.

A young couple smell something while watching a movie together.
So the young bloke taps an old bloke beside him on the shoulder
and says, “Ay, old fulla, did you shit yourself?”

The old bloke looks up slowly and says, “Yep.”

“Why don’t you move then,” says the young lad.

The old bloke grunts a bit, then says, “Haven’t finished yet.”

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to
eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her
lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”

What is the differance between Niagra and Viagra?
One goes up and the onter goes down.

There was a girlfriend and a boyfriend on a date. They came
home to the boyfriends house and when they got inside the
boyfriend explained to his girlfriend that he shares bunkbeds
with his 7 year old brother who has the bottom bunk and they
would have to go to the top. So they would have to use
codenames. If she wanted it harder say lettuce and if she
wanted a different position say tomato. So they get into bed
and she scremed lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato,
lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato, tomato, LETTUCE,
LETTUCE. Then the little brother woke up and said “hey guys
stop making sandwiches up there, your getting mayonase all over
my face”.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make
sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor
about the problems they were having with their memory. After
checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while
watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks,
“Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.” She asks, “Will you get me a bowl
of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.” She then asks him, “Don’t you think you
should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget
that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I
know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write
that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD
you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

A old man told his doctor, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is
as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Try this test first. When your wife is at
the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her
a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking
the question until she hears you.”

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen
feet behind her he said, “What’s for dinner, honey?”

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and
repeated the question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what’s
for dinner tonight?”

She turned around and yelled in his face, “For the fourth time,
I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!”

A man and his wife got to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
Anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my
naked body in front of you, what was going through you mind?”

The husband repled, “All I wanted to do was to fuck you brains
out, and suck your tits dry.”

The as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking
now?”

He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

an old man and his wife has gone to bed. after lying there for
a few minutes the old man farts and goes ” 7 points “

his wife rolls over and goes ” what in the world does that mean “

the old man said ” its fart football “

a few minutes later the wife lets one go and goes ” touchdown
were tied “

a few minutes later the old man farts again and goes ” now im up
14 7 ! ”

but then the wife lets one rip and there tied again 14 14

then the wife lets out a squeaker and goes ” feild goal ” im up
17 14

knowing the man cant be beaten by his wife he gives it all he
has and instead of farting he poops in his pants

the wife goes ” what the hell was that? ”

the man goes ” uh half-time ” switch sides!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll
give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every
day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really
putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on,
I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check
yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think
we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons,
kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a
brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young
girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood,
but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously,” What are you lining up for dear?” Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some
people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up
for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some
myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the
line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the
line, he was bewildered. “But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my
dentures, and suck ’em dry”.

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend
pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and
ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the
other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely
young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined
the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a
drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful
examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in
sex recently. The old man said, “sure”. The doctor asked if he
could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

The old man said, “Sure, why?” The doctor replied “Well you’d
better get over there, you’re about to cum.”